Local Man Pretty Sure He Can Convince Himself to Masturbate

SPAYNK RIVER BANK, MISSOURI — In a sleepy town located on the banks of ...

Bill Gates Offers to Buy and Delete Elon Musk

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON — Billionaire tech titan Bill Gates is reportedly close to making one ...

Report: Ow! Fuck! Pins and Needles!

GREEN PORT, LOUISIANA — Sources close to the situation are reporting that screams and ...

Man on COVID Quarantine Really Missing Taco Bell Shits

LA MIERDA LIQUIDA, CALIFORNIA — Getting used to living in the post-coronavirus America has ...

Participants Agree Zoom Orgy Only 30% Less Creepy Than In-Person One

Participants in an orgy via the group video chat app “Zoom” told our reporter ...

Jesus Sees Image of Potato Chip in Bathroom Mirror

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This weekend, Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Trinity, Inc’s ...

Local Couple: Sex Was Really Good Until Husband Got Involved

DISAPPOINTMENT GULCH, ARIZONA — In an interview with Couples Weekly, Tabitha and Mick Garrison ...

CDC Suggests Chronic Masturbators Replace Regular Lube With Hand Sanitizer

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Doctors with the Centers for Disease Control issued new guidance this ...