Study Shows 10 Out of 10 People Against Abortion Never Have to Get One

A new study just recently published indicates that for every ten people who oppose abortion, ten are not required by any laws to have one. The study, conducted by Common Sense Polling in collaboration with No Duh Data Solutions, shows that fully 100% of the anti-abortion population in America is not under any obligation whatsoever to get an abortion. The study’s authors held a press conference earlier this week to discuss their findings.

“What we found is that 10 out of 10 people who call you a baby murdering sinnerface never have to actually get an abortion themselves, if they’re so against them,” Dr. Cheryl Glastomo told reporters today. “In fact, we also found that a full 100% of people who say anything about abortion can mind their own fucking business. That’s a key finding, we think. It’s not just about not having to get one, it’s also about them having complete agency over their chosen words and actions, and that agency gives them the ability to shut the fuck up, forever, about a personal decision between a woman and a doctor.”

Trump Official: IG Report Indicates Comey Was Second Gunman On Grassy Knoll And Helped Hillary Cover Up Benghazi

According to the study, no amount of “emotional hand wringing” or “religious based whining” have an impact on either the ability of the person to mind their own business or force them to get an abortion they don’t want.

“It really couldn’t be any more an open and shut case here,” Glastomo said. “Pretty much, when it comes to abortion, the math shows decisively that people can have all the opinions they want, but they don’t have to get an abortion, and they can keep their goddamned mouths shut about the people who do.”

Dr. Glastomo explained some other key findings in the report.

“As it turns out, five out of five people who protest abortion aren’t living the lives of the people who get an abortion,” Glastomo divulged, “and that correlates to a full 100% of pro-lifers whose opinions on someone else’s medical decisions don’t matter worth a piddly shit.”

Reached for comment, Vice President Holy Father Mike Pence just sobbed and cried for twenty minutes, then blurted out something in a fit of rage.

“I WANNA CONTROL THE VAGINAS! LET ME CONTROL THE VAGINAS FOR GOD,” Pence shouted at us from across a park with a rest stop he likes to hang out at for no particular reason whatsoever.

Hurricane Dorian Makes Preemptive Strike Against U.S. Nuclear Arsenal


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

Tags:

  • Show Comments

Ads

You May Also Like

Anti-Vaxxer Outraged Friends ‘Listened to Science,’ and Vaccinated Their Baby

SPRING FALLS, CALIFORNIA — 46-year-old California resident Dennis Myers calls himself “mostly apolitical,” but ...

Man Falls Off Forest Hill Bridge After Accidentally Shooting Himself While on Heroin

Sacramento, CA — A Mokelumne Hill man is in critical but stable condition after ...

Border immigration and DEA officials now admit that prayer rugs found at the Mexican border were apart of an elaborate prank.

Border Prayer Rugs Blamed on Fake El Paso Flea Market

El Paso, TX — President Trump tweeted earlier this week that Islamic prayer rugs ...