Saturday, January 29, 2022

Study Shows 10 Out of 10 People Against Abortion Never Have to Get One

A new study just recently published indicates that for every ten people who oppose abortion, ten are not required by any laws to have one. The study, conducted by Common Sense Polling in collaboration with No Duh Data Solutions, shows that fully 100% of the anti-abortion population in America is not under any obligation whatsoever to get an abortion. The study’s authors held a press conference earlier this week to discuss their findings.

“What we found is that 10 out of 10 people who call you a baby murdering sinnerface never have to actually get an abortion themselves, if they’re so against them,” Dr. Cheryl Glastomo told reporters today. “In fact, we also found that a full 100% of people who say anything about abortion can mind their own fucking business. That’s a key finding, we think. It’s not just about not having to get one, it’s also about them having complete agency over their chosen words and actions, and that agency gives them the ability to shut the fuck up, forever, about a personal decision between a woman and a doctor.”

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According to the study, no amount of “emotional hand wringing” or “religious based whining” have an impact on either the ability of the person to mind their own business or force them to get an abortion they don’t want.

“It really couldn’t be any more an open and shut case here,” Glastomo said. “Pretty much, when it comes to abortion, the math shows decisively that people can have all the opinions they want, but they don’t have to get an abortion, and they can keep their goddamned mouths shut about the people who do.”

Dr. Glastomo explained some other key findings in the report.

“As it turns out, five out of five people who protest abortion aren’t living the lives of the people who get an abortion,” Glastomo divulged, “and that correlates to a full 100% of pro-lifers whose opinions on someone else’s medical decisions don’t matter worth a piddly shit.”

Reached for comment, Vice President Holy Father Mike Pence just sobbed and cried for twenty minutes, then blurted out something in a fit of rage.

“I WANNA CONTROL THE VAGINAS! LET ME CONTROL THE VAGINAS FOR GOD,” Pence shouted at us from across a park with a rest stop he likes to hang out at for no particular reason whatsoever.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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