Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Monthly Archives: July, 2021

Congressional Republicans Blast Biden Over Political Props Stranded in Afghanistan

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Whether it's Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun), freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA), or any of a number of Congressional Republicans, one thing has become rapidly and abundantly clear -- the GOP cares about what happens in...

Cruz: “America Needed a Draft Dodger With Bone Spurs Leading the Afghanistan Withdrawal”

"What this entire debacle has taught is something really quite simple to understand. America needed a draft dodger with bone spurs leading the Afghanistan withdrawal." - Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) During a press conference this morning, Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun)...

Greene Demands an Update From the FDA on Approval of Bleach and Sunlight Injections

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After months of waiting, the Food and Drug Administration finally gave its full approval to Pfizer's COVID-19 vaccine. However, for some that isn't good enough, and the FDA needs to also rush its approval of other...

VP Harris Thanks Congressional Republicans For Endorsing Her Future Presidency

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- These days, it's tough to throw a rock in the nation's capital and not hit a Republican demanding that Joe Biden be impeached over his administration's handling of the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan. Despite...

Donald Trump No Longer Has Any Interest in Ivanka’s OnlyFans

Today, social media site OnlyFans announced that beginning in October, content its moderators deem to be "sexually explicit" will no longer be allowed on their servers. The company has built a successful brand, at least in part, on offering...

Penis-Shaped Racist Shares His Thoughts on Afghan Refugees With Laura Ingraham

TRANSYLVANIA, FLORIDUH -- Last night on Fox News, host Laura Ingraham welcomed a penis-shaped racist man to share his thoughts on whether the U.S. should make efforts to house refugees from Afghanistan. As the situation in that country worsens,...

George W. Bush Pretty Sure He’s Heard of This “Afghanistan” People Keep Talking About

FORT STRATEGERIE, TEXAS -- Since leaving office in 2008, former President George W. Bush has spent a considerable amount of time honing his skill as a portrait painter. While nothing that he's painted will likely be compared to the...

Rand Paul Self-Certifies as Lawyer, Says Nothing Wrong With Wife’s Stock Trade

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Doctor Rand Paul (Q-KY) and his wife might have been in some serious hot water over allegations of insider trading, but ever the strategic thinker, Sen. Paul appears to have found a way to avoid...

CDC Urges Americans Not to Take Advice From Self-Certified Eye Doctors With Punchable Faces

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for disease control is warning Americans this morning to not take any vaccine advice from "skunk-haired, anti-vaxxer morons" who also happen to be self-certified eye doctors. "Idiots, morons, and fuckfaces come in all stripes, with...

Florida’s Child COVID Positivity Higher Than Its Adult Literacy

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- Children in the America's Dong State are more likely contract COVID-19 than adults in Florida have a chance at being literate. That's according to new data from the Centers for MAGA Disease Control. "Numbers like these, unsurprising...

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Biden Sells White House Naming Rights to Soros, Inc for $666 Trillion

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden signed an agreement today that authorizes a name change to the historic residence...