Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Monthly Archives: October, 2021

Boebert Wants an FDA Update on Approving Bleach Injection Boosters

Congressmoron Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) is an outspoken, devoted follower and gatekeeper of the MAGA political movement. In 2020, Ms. Boebert, who once gave patrons of her Colorado pro-gun themed restaurant diarrhea with tainted meat, ran a campaign built on white...

Jack Dorsey Leaving Twitter to Be a Billionaire Fuckface Somewhere Else, We Guess, Who Cares?

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- The tech world was rocked today by a surprise announcement from Jack Dorsey, announcing his resignation as Twitter CEO, effective immediately. Dorsey made the announcement public by sharing an internal email he sent to...

Rittenhouse Offered to Shoot Someone on 5th Avenue for Trump During Their Mar-A-Lago Meeting

MAR-A-LAGO, FLORIDUH -- Former, one term, tiny-donged, daughter lusting, twice forever impeached President Don Trump revealed recently that he and acquitted double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse had a meeting at his Florida resort. Just days prior, Rittenhouse was acquitted on all charges...

Kyle Rittenhouse and George Zimmerman Will Headline “Bushmaster/Skittles White Hood Comedy Tour”

Recently acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse will join fellow acquitted murderer George Zimmerman on what's being billed as a "komedy kavalcade kriskrossing 88 cities throughout the Bible Belt," beginning sometime early in 2022. "The Bushmaster/Skittles White Hood Comedy Tour will be...

Rittenhouse Judge Asks Jury to End Deliberations So He and Kyle Can Attend Proud Boy Meeting

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN -- Judge Bruce Schroeder and accused vigilante double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse have a Proud Boy meeting to attend tonight, and so the jury needs to "wrap it up quick-like," Schroeder told them today. Jurors have been deliberating since yesterday...

Don Jr: “If Joe’s So Good at Finishing What Daddy Couldn’t, Why Can’t He Make Ivanka Cum?”

STUPID FUCKFACE, FLORIDA -- Taking time out during a golf tournament put on by some of the richest Republican donors in the country, Donald Trump Jr. blasted President Joe Biden for signing an infrastructure package worth roughly $1.5 trillion...

Man Sitting on Whoopie Cushion Briefly Worries Boebert’s Staff That Her Skull Had Popped

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Aides and staffers rushed to her side, and ultimately it was determined that she was in no immediate danger. However, Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) was indeed given quite a scare this morning. "At approximately 10am this morning,...

Princess Celestia Declares Ivermectin Shortage in the Pony Realm

CANTERLOT, EQUESTRIA --  In an early morning press release issued today, Head of State Princess Celestia congratulated Big Bird on their recent vaccination. "We celebrate Big Birds decision to receive the newly approved Pfizer vaccine and hope all mythical creatures...

Trump Jr. Not Invited to Thanksgiving With President or Man Who Thinks He’s Still President

LAKE MORON, FLORIDA -- Donald Trump Jr. will not be having Thanksgiving dinner with either the current president, or the man who believes he is still president, according to several sources with knowledge of the situation. It would have been...

Santa Claus Will Require Proof of Vaccination Before Delivering Toys This Year

THE NORTH POLE -- Elected officials like Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) and Rep. Marjhorsey Taylor Greene (Q-GA) are seething, lashing out on social media at a figure many consider to be the living embodiment of the "Christmas Spirit." Despite the...

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Biden Sells White House Naming Rights to Soros, Inc for $666 Trillion

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden signed an agreement today that authorizes a name change to the historic residence...