SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — A new bombshell report from genetic testing company 23andMe indicates that a sitting, Democratic Senator is a distant relative of Jim Crow. At a press conference held just hours ago, 23andMe spokesperson William Chili broke down what the company discovered.
“We were able to trace Senator Kyrsten Sinema to Jim Crow. It was actually not very hard to do at all, because the senator made the link herself, and we just happened to be watching TV when she made that speech defending the filibuster,” Chili explained. “So I guess, in a way, we found the link on the floor of the Senate.”
“The filibuster has most often been used to halt the forward progress of black equality in America. In the Jim Crow era, a society was created in which African Americans were still treated horribly and oppressively, just without the added indignity and dehumanizing crime of slavery heaped on them as well. Anyone defending the filibuster is, basically, saying they’re okay with a tool that has most often been used to keep people oppressed.”
Mr. Chili went on to say that the link between Sinema and Crow is one of “DNA, in a roundabout way.”
“Mind you, we’re not saying that she’s related to anyone named Jim Crow. We’re just saying that her white DNA and refusal to help dismantle systemic racism, and instead further enshrine it, is 100% related to Jim Crow.”
Senator Sinema could not be reached for comment, because we forgot to tell her we were a conservative corporate campaign donor.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.