FARDING BEUTH HOLE, WISCONSIN — Kevin Rickerdellia is a straight-up asshole, has a bunch of asshole opinions, and will not stop until you’ve heard every single syllable of every single goddamned one of them.
“It’s a free country isn’t it? I still get to speak my mind don’t I,” Kevin can be heard incredulously shouting at people both on the street and online. “You can’t shut me up, and even if you tried, I’ll just talk over you.”
It doesn’t matter what the subject is — Kevin has an opinion on it.
“Hey, I don’t have a vagina, but I do have a constitutional right to an opinion on what you do with yours, sister,” Kevin said. “And please, by all means get me started on how I think the DH should be in both leagues, not just the American League.”
Over time, Kevin says he’s lost a “fair number” of friends because of his lack of desire to keep his opinions to himself.
“Yeah, it was hard when my wife — I guess EX-WIFE now — left me because she said I wouldn’t shut up,” Kevin said. “But I’m sorry, she was loading dishes into the dishwasher in the dumbest, least logical way possible, and I had to tell her, every single time, because that is my right!”
Surprisingly, there are a few subjects that Kevin doesn’t have a strong opinion about, but even then he will usually make an opinion for himself and start right there and then to entrench himself in it.
“Hey man, it’s your right, you know? You wanna have an opinion, have one,” Kevin said. “Or don’t. I mean, like, I don’t necessarily have an opinion on which barbecue sauce is the best, but if you set six in front of me, by the time I stand up, I will have started a fight with you over which one you think is best.”
As much as he enjoys giving his opinion, Kevin cannot stand having your opinions “shoved down [his] throat.”
“This one time I was at the tobacconist down town, and I was telling him about the best kung fu movies of all time,” Kevin said. “And some asshole comes in and tells me that they think Crouching Tiger is better than Enter the Fist. I got so mad they eventually called the cops and I’m not welcome back there anymore, but I don’t care. I’ll die on that hill.”
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.