LAGO DEL DESESPERACIÓN, ALABAMA — In March, 28 year old nurse and Alabama resident Jane Sampson was raped while walking home after working a late shift at St. Mary’s Hospital. To her utter shock and dismay, when Jane missed her period in April, she took a pregnancy test and found out she was carrying her rapist’s child. Only hours later, she saw on the news that her state’s governor had just signed a sweeping new abortion ban, criminalizing the procedure at all stages of pregnancy, even when women are, as Jane is, just barely along, and there isn’t even a rape exception for women in situation, Sampson was shocked to find out.
“I was so angry and sad,” Sampson told our reporter via Skype, “because I had already been horribly violated and traumatized. Then, about a month after I was raped I find out I’m pregnant with that scumbag’s seed? I wanted it out of me right then and there. And in America an abortion is my constitutional right; it has been for decades. But not in red-ass Alabama, I guess.”
So, Sampson says, she did some quick research online and found that not even traveling to one of Alabama’s closest neighboring states would let her, as a rape victim, immediately terminate the rape pregnancy. That’s when Sampson says she stumbled upon a fact that she said “completely changed everything.” In Alabama, while rape victims have not avenue to pursue a legal abortion, anyone can buy an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle with absolutely no waiting period whatsoever.
“Once I found out that I had more rights to a firearm than I did to control my own biological bodily functions,” Ms. Sampson told us, “I knew exactly what I had to do. So I went down to Liberty Gun and Ammo and bought myself a Bushmaster AR-15. I was going to end this pregnancy one way or another.”
Given that the AR-15 is a high-powered rifle, Sampson knew it would take some modification to use in her own abortion. Luckily for Jane, Bushmaster has a special line of U-Abort It™ rifle accessories that can be added to the AR-15, allowing it to be used with surgical precision.
“It turns out, my state isn’t the only one that sees zero irony in making weapons of wanton death and destruction easy to get while making a safe and legal, constitutionally protected medical service as hard to have performed as possible,” Jane told us, “and so Bushmaster developed a whole product line for red state women like me who still want to have control over our own reproduction, silly us.”
Once the abortion was complete, Sampson says she had no more use for the gun. Fortunately for her, being a resident in Alabama, she could take her AR-15 to any one of the 55 state gun orphanages that her state created. The gun orphanages match up lost, abandoned or surrendered firearms to homes that, according to the official state charter for the orphanages “display good, clean, ammo-hoarding patriotism.”
“There really aren’t that many experiences in life that are worse than being raped,” Sampson said, “except maybe finding out you’re pregnant from the rape. But, luckily for me even though my state doesn’t value my life enough to let me decide to instantly terminate my attacker’s pregnancy he inflicted me with, they gave me an option to take matters into my own hands, I guess.”
An article posted on The Daily Beast showed that 6 in 10 women in the United States face mandatory waiting periods to have an abortion, even in the case of rape or incest.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.