Friday, March 31, 2023

Alabama Rapist Can Finally Have The Family He Never Had

Sumiton, AL — Unemployed handyman and rapist George Reed Wambles of Sumiton, Alabama says he’s happy with Alabama’s new abortion ban. The new law, which takes effect 6 months from now, will give him a “second chance” to start a family that he says he never had.

“I never really had the kind of real family life as a kid,” said Mr. Wambles speaking from an undisclosed location just outside the Sumiton city limits. “But this new law will allow me to have the kind of family I always wished for. And no one can stop me. Not the police, not even all these libtard politicians from Washington D.C. This is further proof that God has selected Trump to fulfill His will.”

From all accounts, George Reed Wambles came from a well-respected and politically connected family and was smooth and likable. These traits served as the perfect cover as he methodically stalked and assaulted many people. According to a friend closely connected with the Wambles Family, George, who was the middle of three boys, didn’t measure up to his Father’s strict and conservative standards.

The Wambles Family Long Republican Roots

The family’s patriarch, industrialist, and former State Senator Jessup Wambles had the young George interned at Montgomery’s Bright Star Boy’s Residential Hospital for “unusual and unchristian-like behavior.” At Bright Star, George Wambles became violent and even more deviant. At 18 he was released and started committing crimes.

“My father was a real jerk,” continued George. “He never cared for anything I did and he said everything I did was a waste of time. That’s why I’m looking to build a new family. You know, like the one I never had.”

Along with Alabama, lawmakers in Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Ohio, and Utah have passed new antiabortion bills. The new laws have prompted questions about whether women who have abortions could be punished and why some of the pieces of legislation are called “heartbeat bills,” among other topics.

The bill signed by Republican Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey prohibits abortion in just about every circumstance and is considered the most restrictive abortion law in the country. The legislation makes exceptions only for the health of the mother and for fetuses with “fetal anomalies,” which make them unlikely to survive outside. Rape and incest are not exempted from Alabama’s ban.

A New Chance for George Wambles

“I mean finally, I have my say,” said Mr. Wambles cocking his head to the side. “No, they can’t take my baby away no matter what. Think about what this means for a person like me? I can even sue to have visitation rights if the mother doesn’t want anything to do with me. And the best part is, she won’t be able to sue me for child support. You know, the way I think about it, this is a huge opportunity for me. And just look at all of these other States who are following along with Sweet Home Alabama. I can live just about anywhere now.”

More critics and legislative analysts believe that these new restrictive abortion laws will not make it past even the most conservative District Court appeals. And that the laws were drafted in such a way as to trigger a US Supreme Court trial.

“I hear the Supreme Court is gonna hear all this. Which is fine by me. I mean, look at who Trump has put there? I’ve got nothing to worry about,” said a nodding Mr. Wambles.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is a Media and Cultural editor and writer. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, "Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit." Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.
Must Read


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Latest News

God Apologizes For Not Telling Everyone About His Great Replacement Project Sooner

After a white supremacist gunman's killing spree in Buffalo, New York over the weekend revealed the shooter's manifesto included...

More Articles Like This