STONEWALL COUNTY, ALABAMA — Just a couple of weeks after Alabama’s governor signed a sweeping, abortion ban into law, Republican legislators in her state have proposed an amendment to the law that would earmark $15 million to create a new law enforcement task force whose singular goal would be to investigate every reported miscarriage in the Yellowhammer State.
“The overwhelming majority of abortions take place in the first trimester,” State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) told his colleagues at a prayer breakfast, “and that’s also when a lot of miscarriages happen, but there are still pregnancies that miscarry after the 20 week mark. We need to ensure that all miscarriages are legitimate miscarriages, and not abortions disguised as miscarriages.”
If passed, the amendment would set aside state tax dollars to create the AFBI — the Alabama Female Body Inspection task force. It’s purpose would be to knock on the door of every woman whose doctor reports a miscarriage to a new state pregnancy registration database — that would also be created in an effort to “track the vaginal and uterine activities of all South Carolinian women.” According to Thompaulsen, any AFBI agent who finds that a woman lied about having a miscarriage and instead got an abortion “just so she could shirk the responsibility of raising and paying for that kid with zero help from her small state government purposefully kept small so we can’t help people we force into birthing kids,” will be “given a demerit,” since the punishments associated with the abortion ban are all for the doctors who provide them.
“But still,” Thompaulsen said, “even though we can’t throw them into jail, we want to shame them, of course, for daring to seek sexual reproductive autonomy like men-folk have.” Thompaulsen insisted that the AFBI was “consistent with traditionally conservative values” of small government and compassion for those in need. “Government ain’t gonna get no smaller than when it’s put at the end of a speculum and crammed into some lady’s whowhodilly,” Thompaulsen emphatically stated.
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Reached for comment, the U.S. Justice Department, under the leadership of President Donald Trump, issued a statement calling the SCFBI “a crowning moment in American law enforcement history.” The amendment has plenty of critics, however, who say that it’s just another attempt to further restrict female reproductive rights. Thompaulsen scoffs at the implication, and says his critics can “kiss [his] tits.”
“We’re fighting for something bigger here,” Thompaulsen said, “an overpopulated, under-educated, simple-minded populace that truly believes their government is best run by people who will take their money and give them nothing in return just because they’re asking for less money than in other states. We don’t live in America anymore if we can force rape victims to have their rapists’ babies, nor if we don’t have the freedom to climb inside every coochie in our state if we have to, to ensure the dignity of life is preserved. Not the dignity of the women, because that’s not as important as the dignity of that tiny, unformed, sort of gelatinous life form that’s kinda like a parasite if you think about it.”
A version of this story was published first on The Political Garbage Chute.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.