Saturday, April 10, 2021

Ron Johnson: “I Shouldn’t Have to Take My Hood and Robes Off to Prove I’m not Racist!”

"What makes me racist is my racist views of non-white people! But I didn't even say any of that stuff on the radio last week!"

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Alex Jones Voted Ugliest Woman for 3rd Consecutive Year by Girly Magazine

Alex Jones voted Ugliest Woman of the Year by Girly Magazine.
Alex Jones voted Ugliest Woman of the Year by Girly Magazine.

NEW YORK, NY — Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has been voted the ugliest woman on Earth for the 3rd consecutive year by Girly Magazine. For the past 25 years, Girly Magazine has polled its readership for the 10 most unattractive women on Earth. The contest is not without controversy in this politically correct era.

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“It started out as a prank back in the 1980s,” said current Managing Editor Bethany Millbright speaking over the telephone. “I wasn’t in charge back then, but from what I understand, it was meant to be a joke on Margaret Thatcher. She won the first 5 years straight. However, after a few years, the Ugliest Women edition has become our most popular month. And Alex has topped the list for the past 3 years.”

According to Ms. Millbright, although the judging criteria have changed over the years, some things haven’t changed. Notably the presence of unkempt body hair, unnatural features, and a general malcontent unbecoming of the feminine disposition.

“Alex knocks it out of the park in every category,” continued Ms. Millbright. “On top of his horrendous female physical characteristics, he possesses a deep ugliness that seems to penetrate to his very being. His cynicism bulges out almost through his skin. And certainly, his overcompensating insistence on his prowess makes him the perfect candidate for Girly’s ugliest.”

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Rounding out the top five ugliest women:

  1. Alex Jones
  2. Donatella Versace
  3. Tori Spelling (#3 for the 5th consecutive year)
  4. Miley Cyrus
  5. David Schwimmer

The September issue of Girly Magazine will be on the shelves starting August 29th just in time for the Labor Day weekend.

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