SEATTLE, WASHINGTON — Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced today that his company has begun developing a new technology, based on their facial recognition software Amazon is already developing, that he says could “help bring permanent world peace to all of humanity.”
The tech Amazon is working on? Rectal recognition software.
“That way, you’ll never, ever have to guess about who dealt it,” Bezos said proudly, “Especially if you’re not the one who smelt it.”
Bezos believes that arguments over who passed wind are the “heart and soul of every major human conflict.”
“A lot of people don’t realize the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor six months after FDR and Hirohito were an elevator together and the president blamed a fart on the emperor,” Bezos reported. “So much bloodshed over a fart! Just imagine if they could have used our new Amazon Asslexa to pinpoint exactly which rectum expelled the hot, malodorous stank blast.”
The new Asslexa will function much like Amazon’s already hugely successful Alexa line of home assistant tech. However, there is one key difference.
“When Asslexa hears a fart, it will calculate where it originated from within the room,” Bezos said. “Where as when you fart into an Alexa, it just thinks you’re asking to have Alex Jones and Breitbart articles read out loud to you.”
The Amazon Asslexa will come in a variety of fun and sporty colors, and will retail for $49.99.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.