Doctors are assuring the public that right-wing firebrand commentator, and Ms. White Nationalist 1989 runner-up, Ann Coulter should make a full, albeit slow recovery after her head literally exploded. The medical team attending to Coulter believes that when she heard news that Derek Chauvin, a white cop, was found guilty on all three counts stemming from his murder of unarmed black suspect George Floyd last year, her cognitive capacity was pushed to its outer limits, causing her brain to explode.
“Let me just say that while Ann faces a long road ahead, there are two really good bits of news to come out of this,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux told reporters today. “Firstly, once we get her face put back together, it’ll be the best it’s looked in her entire life. Secondly, this is highest level her brain has ever performed at.”
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Thoughts, prayers, and well-wishes from Coulter’s friends have been pouring in.
Fox News host Laura Ingraham told her viewers that she was “beten for meine faschistische schwester” and said she hoped to be sharing racist jokes with Coulter soon. Dan Bongino stopped rage-masturbating to videos of Barack Obama speeches during his radio show this morning and cried for ten minutes straight about Coulter’s condition. Perhaps the most touching tribute, though, came from Ann’s former Nazi vampire lover, Stephen Miller.
“While our romantic times together have come and gone, I will always cherish with fondness how Ann and I laughed at the sight of all those brown babies in cages,” Miller tweeted wistfully, “or the sound of her cackle in the dead of night, as she reads various racist screeds on 8kun. Ann will always embody angry, white rage identity politics in my book, and I know I’m not alone.”
Dr. Hornaydieux said that the public will “be able to tell Ann’s back to normal” fairly easily.
“Ann is an attention whore the likes of which is rarely seen. Once her face is even remotely recognizable,” Hornaydieux explained, “she’ll be back on Bill Maher complaining about how conservatives never get attention anymore.”
Coulter is being treated at the medical facility at the Del Mar racetrack.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.