WASHINGTON, D.C. — An anonymous person within the Trump administration has offered to give President Donald Trump a “beejer in the Oval Office,” provided that’s what it will take for Congressional Republicans to support impeaching President Donald Trump.
“Well, the Mueller Report painted a very clear picture of a manifestly corrupt and self-serving president who has no respect for the law he clearly thinks he’s above, and you’d think that would be enough for Republicans who thought every burp, fart, or sneeze from Obama was an impeachable offense,” the source told hundreds of press outlets in a secure, encrypted email from an anonymous email account. “But, well, clearly isn’t the case. So, I’m left to do the honorable thing and offer to take a toadstool for the team.”
The source, who wishes to stay anonymous because she says she’s “extremely bigly close” to the president. She also doesn’t wish to jeopardize her “inheritiance,” which she says she will get because she’s “pretty incredibly close to the president.” Some in the media have begun to speculate who this member of the administration might be, but haven’t confirmed it as of yet.
“Diddums — I mean President Daddy, oopsie, I mean the president would be really, really mad at me if he found out I was only doing it because we don’t want to be the Royal Family anymore,” the anonymous source says. “So I want to keep my identity a secret, and unlike my dumb ass brother, I know how to keep my mouth shut and not divulge family secrets!”
The anonymous staffer says that no one should be surprised by the idea of someone on Team Trump trying to bring a premature end to the alleged billionaire’s tenure in the White House.
“None of us want to be here anymore, which was also very clear in the Mueller Report,” the staffer writes.
The last time Republicans in Congress supported the impeachment of a president, it was back in 1998 during the second term of William Jefferson Clinton. Ultimately, after years of trying to catch Clinton on a number of alleged offenses, the House GOP, under the guidence of then-Speaker Newt Gingrich, moved forward on impeachment when it was determined by special counsel Ken Starr that the president had lied under oath about a personal sexual dalliance with an adult intern named Monica Lewinsky. Clinton became just the second president ever to be officially impeached, though Republican President Richard Nixon resigned in 1974 rather than be put through a formal impeachment process, which he almost certainly would have been removed from office at the end of.
“If what it takes for Republicans to take notice of gross abuse of executive power is a blowjob, well, I imagine I’m probably the most qualified and experienced one in the White House at it,” the source said. “And I’ve been wanting to prove to the American public that I’m more than just a Daddys’ — excuse me — president’s girl.”
The “heat and pressure from all the constant oversight” ever since Democrats retook the House last November is a big reason the anonymous staffer wants out of the White House. She’s afraid, however, that she is “too close and too related to his balls” to get away cleanly. So she needs Republicans to back impeachment, which she hopes would force the president to resign.
“If this is what it takes, then I guess that’s what I was groomed for all those years that he made really gross comments about my — or you know, someone’s — body,” the source says.
In a statement, President Trump said he was “shocked and outraged” by what the anonymous staffer propsoed. However, he thinks it’s “still very legal, and very cool.”
“Hey, who am I to turn down an opportunity to turn this shit hole in the Oral Office? Bring it on,” Trump wrote.
This story is developing, and pretty damn gross.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.