Friday, January 27, 2023

Report: More People Watched Aretha Franklin’s Funeral Than Trump’s Inauguration

GRAND FALLS, MICHIGAN — Mathematicians at the University of Northern Michigan have released the results of a snap study they did which seems to indicate that millions more people watched the funeral for the Queen of Soul, the late singer Aretha Franklin, than paid any attention to President Donald Trump’s inauguration.

“We ran the numbers, crunched some things, and at the end of the day it actually didn’t take much for us to conclude way, way, way more people cared about seeing Ms. Franklin off than cared about ushering the Trump Era in,” Dr. Susan Susanovich of UNM’s math department announced. “It was pretty obvious from the fact that the funeral lasted for hours, and the online and TV audiences stuck with it, watching performances and speeches well into the night; most people tuned out Trump’s inauguration once they figured out the alien overlords wouldn’t be saving us from certain doom after all.”

Dr. Susanovich says that she and her team of student mathematicians didn’t have to study the numbers “that closely.”

“I mean, the guy got three million fewer votes than his nearest competitor, has a 60% disapproval rating, and his party holds Congressional majorities but only represents less than 25% of the electorate on most issues,” Susanovich said. “So it’s pretty much self-evident that more people like cancer or AIDS than this president, much less one of the most beloved singers and musicians of all time.”

The subject of just how large his inaugural crowd size was has long put a spur in Trump’s saddle, if not his feet’s bones. Famously, former Press Secretary Sean Spicer sparred with the press pool on the first day of Trump’s presidency over reports that the crowd size had been quite diminished from either of his predecessor’s two ceremonies.

The White House did not respond to requests for comment on this story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

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