Today, the Arizona Senate, under control of Republicans, held a hearing on the audit of last year’s election in their state by a company that is neither certified to do so, nor has any experiencing auditing elections in the past. When the hearing was over, and hours of testimony on the audit conducted by Cyber Ninjas had finished, one thing had decisively proven: Joe Biden is president, and will remain president for the rest of his term. Unless he dies or resigns, and then Vice President Kamala Harris will be sworn-in to take his place.
“Yeah, we checked and even after everything that was said today, after the mountain of lies was constructed,” Kim Plausibul of the Federal Who’s In Charge Agency told reporters, “the Constitution doesn’t have a hurt fee-fees clause, or a tinfoil clause. And Mr. Biden will get to remain in office for the duration of his four year term.”
During the hearing, several claims were made or alluded to. Because we’re a satirical outlet, and not a right-wing fascist propaganda forum, we will not be reprinting any of the claims made. However, Ms. Plausibul said it’s the opinion of the FWICA that wouldn’t matter what Cyber Ninjas claimed to find.
“There is no mechanism, no matter how many disgraced treacherous generals tell us otherwise, to strip Biden of office and put Trump back in,” Plausibul laughed. “What kind of fucking moron thinks that if they’ve read the Constitution. Oh wait, there I go answering my own questions again.”
The FWICA is also following the audit being conducted in Georgia’s Fulton County. Plausibul says that while the agency is still waiting to see what is presented as fact from that audit, she can “pretty safely predict” how much it will change who is in the White House.
“Keep in mind, we’re not sure the Georgia audit is even done yet. However, given that we exist in a plane called ‘reality,’ and the audit is being done somewhere between Donald Trump’s taint and Andrew Jackson’s grave,” Plausibul explained, “I pretty safely predict if the audit will have any impact on who is president. In short: it won’t, Joe Biden will keep being president and there is literally nothing anyone can do to change that.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.