Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Coroner Updates Ashli Babbitt’s Cause of Death to ‘Believing a Moron’s Bullshit Too Much’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The coroner tasked with determining the cause of death for Ashli Babbitt — the domestic terrorist shot and killed while attempting to breach the capitol on January 6th, 2021 — has updated their findings of determination. According to the updated report, Babbitt died of “believing a moron’s bullshit too much.”

Babbitt, whose death has been politicized by congressional Republicans attempting to frame her has a misguided patriot, while they also downplay the seriousness of the pro-MAGA failed insurrection, was one of a handful of people who died that day. The right has tried to prop her up as a victim of an overzealous, armed officer of the law, while the rest of America wondered why the former veteran would throw her life and career away attempting to stop the certification of the 2020 presidential election. For the last several weeks, prominent Republicans have demanded that the officer who shot Babbitt be unmasked, opening them up to intense levels of scrutiny.

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“On January 6th, 2021, Ms. Ashli Babbitt took part in a failed coup attempt on the nation’s capitol,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, spokesperson for the D.C. Morgue, told reporters today. “She died that day. One of our most experienced coroners was assigned to the case and has updated their findings, based on some new information.”

Babbitt died, according to Dr. Hornaydieux, of “believing a moron’s bullshit too much.”

“Well, that and the bullet, of course. But Babbit was pro-MAGA and according to MAGA tradition, those who die from gunfire are not victims, but rather lucky recipients of Second Amendment projectiles and liberty,” Hornaydieux explained. “The underlying cause of death though was quite obvious. If she didn’t believe so much moronic bullshit, she’d almost certainly be alive today.”

In an interesting twist, Hornaydieux says that the bullet that took Babbitt’s life was actually smarter than the man who encouraged her to throw her life away.

“Did the moron’s bullshit literally penetrate her chest and cause her to bleed out? Of course not,” Dr. Hornaydieux conceded. “However, when we talk about ’cause’ of death, there can be a literal cause and a totally different actual cause. Had Babbitt been able to correctly assess that the Constitution doesn’t care how badly your feelings got hurt if you lose an election, you’re not entitled to stay in power, then she’d be alive today. Without that blovating fuckwit’s incitement, I am very confident Ashli Babbit would be making truck cab rant videos to this day.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.