Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Attack Helicopter Identifies as Someone Who Thinks You’re a Transphobic Douchebag

Choppy McChopperson has lived their entire life as a Boeing AH-65 Apache attack helicopter, put in service by the United States Armed Forces years ago. Choppy says they don’t take sides in political arguments for the most part because “politics is for humans,” and in general Choppy doesn’t go out of their way to interact with humans other than the ones piloting or riding on them. Even though McChopperson doesn’t consider themselves political, however, that doesn’t mean they won’t make their opinions known from time to time.

For instance, Choppy recently said during in an interview with War Machines Weekly that they’ve gotten “sick and tired of all the dad jokes” that use them as the punchline.

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“Personally, I think trans rights are human rights, because you know, transgender people are humans,” Choppy told the interviewer, “but even if you set that aside, I also just happen to think jokes about gender identity are, for the most part, played way the fuck out. Especially the ones where someone says they identify as an attack helicopter.”

Choppy says they’ve “noticed something” about the people who consistently make jokes about identifying as an attack helicopter.

“They’re all transphobic trash. They’re also not usually funny. Like at all,” Choppy said. “Imagine the worst comics at an open mic, and then take away all their wit and charm. That’s the attack helicopter joke crew — dumb and unfunny.”

McChopperson also observed that the people who make jokes about transgender people using him and his fellow attack helicopters “seem obsessed” with the genitals of strangers.

“Is it just me, or are there a lot of people who seem really anxious to stick their hands down people’s pants? I’ve never seen a group of people more obsessed with checking a student athlete’s crotch before a game,” Choppy said. “And they think people who just want to live their lives as who they feel they are inside are the weird ones? Okay there, guy.”

Before ending the interview, Choppy addressed the speculation about their own identity.

“Oh, I can answer that one really easily, actually,” McChopperson told the interviewer, “I identify as someone who thinks people who make attack helicopter jokes are transphobic douchebags.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.