Friday, March 31, 2023

Poll: Austin Clay, The Trump Hollywood Star Vandal, New 2020 Frontrunner

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA — Austin Clay, 24 years old and a resident of Los Angeles County, claims to be the person who utterly destroyed President Donald Trump‘s star on the world famous Hollywood Walk of Fame this week. After turning himself into police, Clay now faces felony vandalism charges, however, he also currently leads all candidates on a proposed, generic ballot, according to a new poll released this week.

According to the Los Angeles Police Department, in the very early hours of yesterday morning, Clay took a pickax to the star that bears the president’s name. When they were finished, the vandal had left it mostly in pieces and dust. Within hours, CNN and polling company We Poll You So Hard conducted a snap poll of 1,000 Americans using both landlines and cellular phones, and the results were perhaps surprising this far out from the 2020 election.

“In a generic field of contenders, the Mr. Clay wipes the floor with everyone else,” We Poll You’s media strategist Jan Smootz told us. “It doesn’t matter who it was, this guy would beat them. In a hypothetical match-up between President Trump and Clay, our polling gave a 75/25 advantage to the vandal! People don’t even know their name, but they think they’d be better for the country than Trump, which is pretty fascinating.”

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Party allegiance did seem to play a roll in how people answered the questions.

“Democrats and independents went for Clay in massive numbers, where as Republicans nearly all said they’d vote for whoever Putin told them to,” Smootz explained.

The poll didn’t get into a lot of specific policy issues, but on every single one, the respondents routinely said they’d trust the confessed vandal’s policies over Trump’s.

“On the economy? Austin clay beats Trump. On immigration? Clay again,” Smootz said. “Foreign policy? Clay. Every single question was roughly that same 75/25 split. It’s almost like 75% of the country hates this man and the people who elected him relied on some sadly duped moderate voters, Russian cheating, and an arcane, anti-democratic electoral device that makes votes in Iowa more important than California to win, but what do I know?”

There was one issue, however, that Trump scored better on than the vandal who destroyed his Hollywood star.

“When it comes to smelling like Russian whore piss and wanting to bang his own daughter, Trump is still out-polling everyone,” Smootz said. “In fact, no other candidate can claim those things, so he wins 100-0 every time on that front.”

The White House did not respond to requests for comment on this story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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