James Schlarmann

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

CDC Study Shows Wearing a Mask Reduces Spreading Selfish Douchebaggery by 100%

HOTLANTA, GEORGIA — Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention just released ...

Basic White Woman Who’s Never Interacted With Cops Against Defunding Them

LAS ESTUPIDAS BLANCAS, CALIFORNIA — 38 year old cosmetics consultant Christiana Vacaciones says she ...

Selfish Fuck Oppressed by Polite Request to Wear Face Mask in Public

ASSHOLE DOUCHEBAG TOWN, TEXAS — Scott Scooterson is a self-described “selfish fuck.” It’s important ...

Local Man Pretty Sure He Can Convince Himself to Masturbate

SPAYNK RIVER BANK, MISSOURI — In a sleepy town located on the banks of ...

Bill Gates Offers to Buy and Delete Elon Musk

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON — Billionaire tech titan Bill Gates is reportedly close to making one ...

Report: Ow! Fuck! Pins and Needles!

GREEN PORT, LOUISIANA — Sources close to the situation are reporting that screams and ...

Man on COVID Quarantine Really Missing Taco Bell Shits

LA MIERDA LIQUIDA, CALIFORNIA — Getting used to living in the post-coronavirus America has ...