Sunday, January 16, 2022

James Schlarmann

23andMe Finds DNA Link Between Jim Crow and Kyrsten Sinema

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- A new bombshell report from genetic testing company 23andMe indicates that a sitting, Democratic Senator is a distant relative of Jim Crow. At a press conference held just hours ago, 23andMe spokesperson William Chili...

Tucker Carlson Will Only Spend Angelou Quarters Once He Spends the Ones with White Guys On Them

Fox News host and trust fund white supremacist Tucker Carlson inherited wealth that equates to, as one economist once described it, a "shitload of quarters." Carlson, an heir to the Swanson Foods empire, has a net worth estimated in the...

If You Hear Your Uncle Say This Three Word Phrase, Get Him to a Neurologist ASAP!

Knowing the signs of life-threatening medical emergencies can save your life, and the lives of those you love. Being able to recognize when someone is experiencing a cardiac or neurological event may be a matter of life and death. According...

History: One Year Ago, a President Suffered Humiliating Insurrectile Dysfunction

In American history, there are many dates that carry more importance than others. July 4th, December 7th, and September 11th are some of the most famous and infamous. Last year, exactly one year ago, January 6th joined those dates...

Twitter: MTG Is Allowed One Account Per IQ Point

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- Last week, Twitter made headlines when it permanently banned the personal account of a sitting congresspony. Citing her repeated posts that spread COVID-19 disinformation, Twitter announced that they had permanently disabled the personal account...

Brave, Maskless Patriot Would Rather Be Arrested Than Leave McDonald’s Without His McNuggets

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- At the time of publication, right-wing podcaster and self-described "Mega MAGA Patriot" Jethro Bohiggins is still in a tense, armed standoff with local authorities and employees at the McDonald's just a few blocks from...

DeSantis Orders Critical Race Theory Detectors Installed on Every Florida Campus

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q) is on a crusade to eliminate Critical Race Theory from his state's classrooms, even if it's not part of any public school curriculum. He's already introduced a bill similar to Texas' abortion...

Selected Excerpts from Mark Meadows’ January 6th Text Messages

Just how much the buzz about former White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows' text messages from January 6th are getting outside the beltway isn't quite sure at this time. However, on the Hill, it's all anyone can talk...

Boebert Thinks Hillary Clinton Had the Fox News Christmas Tree Torched to Cover-Up Benghazi

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Freshman Congressidiot Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) smells a rat, and she thinks the odor is emanating from the Fox News Christmas Tree's charred remains. Though a new tree was erected to much fanfare this weekend, conservative Americans still...

Trump Supporter: His Cousin Convinced Him to Get Vaccinated By Withholding Sex

FT. IVERMECTIN, KENTUCKY -- For months, the Biden administration has grappled with how, exactly, to convince millions of Americans to get a COVID-19 vaccine. Despite their best efforts, vaccination became politicized with the help of former President Don Trump...

About Me

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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23andMe Finds DNA Link Between Jim Crow and Kyrsten Sinema

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- A new bombshell report from genetic testing company 23andMe indicates that a sitting, Democratic...
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