James Schlarmann 
If He Can’t Murder Whoever He Wants, Whenever He Wants, You’re On Your Own, Rape Victims
He’s a hero. Everyone he ever meets tells him he’s a hero. So why ...
Basic White Woman Who’s Never Interacted With Cops Against Defunding Them
LAS ESTUPIDAS BLANCAS, CALIFORNIA — 38 year old cosmetics consultant Christiana Vacaciones says she ...
Selfish Fuck Oppressed by Polite Request to Wear Face Mask in Public
ASSHOLE DOUCHEBAG TOWN, TEXAS — Scott Scooterson is a self-described “selfish fuck.” It’s important ...
Man Is ‘Blown Away’ How Much ‘It Stinks’ That His Girlfriend Can’t Stop Farting During Quarantine
BROWN CLOUD, CALIFORNIA — He says that there is “absolutely no chance” of it ...
Local Man Pretty Sure He Can Convince Himself to Masturbate
SPAYNK RIVER BANK, MISSOURI — In a sleepy town located on the banks of ...
Bill Gates Offers to Buy and Delete Elon Musk
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON — Billionaire tech titan Bill Gates is reportedly close to making one ...
Report: Ow! Fuck! Pins and Needles!
GREEN PORT, LOUISIANA — Sources close to the situation are reporting that screams and ...
Man on COVID Quarantine Really Missing Taco Bell Shits
LA MIERDA LIQUIDA, CALIFORNIA — Getting used to living in the post-coronavirus America has ...
Quarantine Panic! Man Already Masturbated to Everything on Pornhub That Doesn’t Involve Incest
STROHK LAKE, CALIFORNIA — “Wait. Son of a bitch! I’ve gone in a circle ...
Participants Agree Zoom Orgy Only 30% Less Creepy Than In-Person One
Participants in an orgy via the group video chat app “Zoom” told our reporter ...
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