Monday, February 6, 2023

James Schlarmann

Stable Hands Confirm Marjorie Taylor Greene Has Always Been Anti-Grooming

Ever since Gov. Ron DeSantis's lizard faced press secretary defended Florida's controversial "Don't Say Gay" law by calling it "Anti-Grooming" on Twitter, the term has picked up quite a bit of popularity among similarly conservative Americans. It's now fairly...

We Have Our First Black Female Supreme Court Justice, But When Will It Be a White Man’s Turn?

The following editorial was submitted to this outlet by Dick Richardson, a conservative podcaster. The views and opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Richardson, and do not necessarily reflect those of this outlet, its ownership, or staff.  While the...

I Was Tired of My Kids Being Groomed So I Put Them in Catholic School Where They’ll Be Safe

The following is an editorial submitted to us by Florida resident Chad Beefington. Chad refers to himself as a "concerned parent" of four children, and recently he made the decision to pull them out of public school over concerns...

DeSantis Warns Disney That Donald Duck ‘Better Put Some Pants On’ Around Younger Park Guests

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis (Q) is not going to stop his feud with The Walt Disney Company any time soon. At least, that appears to be the case as the governor just fired another warning shot across the Magic...

FBI Confirms Hunter Biden’s Laptop Didn’t Contain Any PowerPoints on Overthrowing Democracy

We still don't know what the contents of the infamous Hunter Biden laptop are, despite some very prominent right-wing Twitter trolls like Glenn "Sugar Daddy" Greenwald telling us how much we should be concerned about them. Some might wonder...

Matt Gaetz is Boycotting Disney and Will Take His Prom Date to SeaWorld Instead

https://youtu.be/pgjLMM60YNw This week, Florida's governor signed a controversial law onto the books that bars discussions of sexual orientation or identity in classrooms from kindergarten to third grade. The so-called "Don't Say Gay" law also makes it illegal to have "age...

Lauren Boebert Successfully Donated Six Brain Cells to MTG and Still Has Six to Spare

Doctors in Colorado are marveling at the news that a congressional representative from their state successfully gave six brain cells to another member of Congress, lived to tell the tale, and still has roughly half her brain cells leftover. Today,...

A Second Grader Asked DeSantis Where Babies Come From. He Had Her Arrested.

This morning, while visiting an elementary school in Northern Florida, Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q) was asked by a precocious, some would even say adorable second grader. The young girl walked up to the governor and tugged at his jacket....

Judge Jackson Regrets Not Pre-Insulting Heidi Cruz’s Looks

Now that her confirmation hearings have come to a close, sources say that Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson is feeling pretty good about her chances of ascending to the Supreme Court. Ms. Jackson was nominated by President Joe Biden to...

Area Transphobe Livid He Can’t Force Twitter to Bake His Cake

Kyle Mann is the Editor in Chief of one of the largest online purveyors of Christofascist propaganda, The Babylon Bee. Mann, an alleged comedian, is also a noted transphobe, and under his leadership, the website has become known for its anti-transgender...

About Me

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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God Apologizes For Not Telling Everyone About His Great Replacement Project Sooner

After a white supremacist gunman's killing spree in Buffalo, New York over the weekend revealed the shooter's manifesto included...
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