Sunday, January 16, 2022

James Schlarmann

Biden Sells White House Naming Rights to Soros, Inc for $666 Trillion

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden signed an agreement today that authorizes a name change to the historic residence he currently calls home. With a stroke of his pen, and the exchange of nearly $670 trillion, Biden's home will...

In Hindsight, Crossing Horse, Demon, and Nazi DNA Was Probably a Bad Idea

The following is an excerpt from a new book entitled, "Making a Monster," written by Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the American Institute of Genetic Research. In his new book, Dr. Hornaydieux reveals some rather earth shattering details about freshman...

Supreme Court To Carefully Consider Pros, Cons Of Forcing Teens to Have Fathers’ Rape Babies

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For the first time in decades, the United States Supreme Court will hear oral arguments this morning in a case that could have a transformative effect on abortion rights in America. Since 1973, every woman living in...

Boebert Wants an FDA Update on Approving Bleach Injection Boosters

Congressmoron Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) is an outspoken, devoted follower and gatekeeper of the MAGA political movement. In 2020, Ms. Boebert, who once gave patrons of her Colorado pro-gun themed restaurant diarrhea with tainted meat, ran a campaign built on white...

Jack Dorsey Leaving Twitter to Be a Billionaire Fuckface Somewhere Else, We Guess, Who Cares?

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- The tech world was rocked today by a surprise announcement from Jack Dorsey, announcing his resignation as Twitter CEO, effective immediately. Dorsey made the announcement public by sharing an internal email he sent to...

Rittenhouse Offered to Shoot Someone on 5th Avenue for Trump During Their Mar-A-Lago Meeting

MAR-A-LAGO, FLORIDUH -- Former, one term, tiny-donged, daughter lusting, twice forever impeached President Don Trump revealed recently that he and acquitted double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse had a meeting at his Florida resort. Just days prior, Rittenhouse was acquitted on all charges...

Kyle Rittenhouse and George Zimmerman Will Headline “Bushmaster/Skittles White Hood Comedy Tour”

Recently acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse will join fellow acquitted murderer George Zimmerman on what's being billed as a "komedy kavalcade kriskrossing 88 cities throughout the Bible Belt," beginning sometime early in 2022. "The Bushmaster/Skittles White Hood Comedy Tour will be...

Rittenhouse Judge Asks Jury to End Deliberations So He and Kyle Can Attend Proud Boy Meeting

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN -- Judge Bruce Schroeder and accused vigilante double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse have a Proud Boy meeting to attend tonight, and so the jury needs to "wrap it up quick-like," Schroeder told them today. Jurors have been deliberating since yesterday...

Don Jr: “If Joe’s So Good at Finishing What Daddy Couldn’t, Why Can’t He Make Ivanka Cum?”

STUPID FUCKFACE, FLORIDA -- Taking time out during a golf tournament put on by some of the richest Republican donors in the country, Donald Trump Jr. blasted President Joe Biden for signing an infrastructure package worth roughly $1.5 trillion...

Man Sitting on Whoopie Cushion Briefly Worries Boebert’s Staff That Her Skull Had Popped

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Aides and staffers rushed to her side, and ultimately it was determined that she was in no immediate danger. However, Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) was indeed given quite a scare this morning. "At approximately 10am this morning,...

About Me

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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23andMe Finds DNA Link Between Jim Crow and Kyrsten Sinema

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- A new bombshell report from genetic testing company 23andMe indicates that a sitting, Democratic...
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