James Schlarmann 
Quarantine Panic! Man Already Masturbated to Everything on Pornhub That Doesn’t Involve Incest
STROHK LAKE, CALIFORNIA — “Wait. Son of a bitch! I’ve gone in a circle ...
Participants Agree Zoom Orgy Only 30% Less Creepy Than In-Person One
Participants in an orgy via the group video chat app “Zoom” told our reporter ...
Jesus Sees Image of Potato Chip in Bathroom Mirror
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This weekend, Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Trinity, Inc’s ...
Local Couple: Sex Was Really Good Until Husband Got Involved
DISAPPOINTMENT GULCH, ARIZONA — In an interview with Couples Weekly, Tabitha and Mick Garrison ...
CDC Suggests Chronic Masturbators Replace Regular Lube With Hand Sanitizer
ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Doctors with the Centers for Disease Control issued new guidance this ...
Local Cannibal Experiencing COVID-19 Panic
LAKE MANGEUR D’HOMME, MINNESOTA — Terry Homocomedenti wasn’t really too nervous about the novel ...
Parents Wonder When Kids Will Finally Thank Them for Gift of a Fleeting, Worthless Existence
HOBOKEN, NEVADA — Chad and Beverly Thompson just want to see even a modicum ...
WHO Strongly Cautions Against Human Centipedes of More Than 7 People
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND — The World Health Organization issued an urgent advisory to all human ...
Local Perv Weighs Risk of Breaking Coronavirus Quarantine to Watch You Shower Anyway
LA VALLE SIN ROPA, CALIFORNIA — Nate Robertson is a 45 year old self-described ...
Local Woman Totally Judging What’s In Your Coronavirus Quarantine Preparation Shopping Cart
BECKY FALLS, MINNESOTA — 43-year old Christina “Christy” Tomjanovich is judging the ever loving ...
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