Wednesday, December 8, 2021

James Schlarmann

Nicki Minaj Says Her Cousin’s Friends Balls Are Southwest Pilots Who Walked Out Over Vaccines

One of MAGA America's favorite experts on the moisture level of vaginae and her cousin's friend's testicles may have tweeted something today that will only endear her even more to the red hatted cousins of the confederacy. "Don't want to...

Hannity Demands Full Audit of 1860 Presidential Election

Fox News host Sean Hannity told his radio audience today that he believes all fifty states in America should be conducting "rigorous, exhaustive audits" of the 2020 election. He also said "true patriots" won't stop there, though. They'll also...

Biden Tells Engineers They Can Reinstall White House Ramps and Stairs Now

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden has authorized White House engineers to reinstall ramps and stairways that the previous occupant was, according to documents published today, "too much of a chickenshit coward" to ascend or descend. "As you know, when...

Documents Reveal AT&T is a Major Financial Backer of KlanTV

DALLAS, TEXAS -- From its inception, One American News Network -- known more commonly by its initials, OANN, has not hidden it's very pro-MAGA biases. The news network's anchors and field reporters can often be found on Twitter spreading baseless...

Cruz Suggests Haitian Refugees at Border Should ‘Check Out Cancun Instead’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A recent surge in Haitian refugees on the U.S. border with Mexico has elicited sharp, persistent criticism from elected Republicans, and this morning Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Texas) once again dipped his cloven hoofed toe into that...

Zuckerberg: “Why Would We Take Our Network Down to Scrub It After The Whistleblower’s Report?”

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- For hours yesterday, white nationalists, conservative Baby Boomers, and anti-vaxxers were left without access to their preferred social media platform. Facebook was down and inaccessible for much of the work day, and in fact...

Biden Doesn’t Mind Winning AZ ‘As Many Times as It Takes Don Trump to Accept Reality’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Though MAGA nation might be reeling from the results, and the rest of the non-confederated states in the union might be sick of them taking place at all, there's one man in the nation's capitol who...

McEnany Blames Murder Rate Spike in 2020 on ‘Anti-Trumper Criminals’ Helping Biden’s Campaign

This morning, former White House Chief Bullshit Artist Kayleigh McEnany tweeted and quickly deleted an attack on President Joe Biden over recent reports of a 30% spike in the murder rate during 2020. McEnany retweeted an account that cited...

Boebert and Greene File Articles of Impeachment Against Hunter Biden’s Laptop

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- When Democrats and a handful of vertebrate Republicans impeached Donald Trump twice, Republicans warned that there would be recompense. Today, in a move sure to stir quite a commotion on the Hill, Trump's loyalist struck their...

Greene Volunteers to Help Border Patrol at the Southern Border and Bring Her Own Saddle

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Yesterday, images of border patrol agents on horseback, using reins as whips to corral undocumented immigrants at the southern border blew up the Internet. While those in the pro-law enforcement/fascism camp have defended the agents, noting...

About Me

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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Biden Sells White House Naming Rights to Soros, Inc for $666 Trillion

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden signed an agreement today that authorizes a name change to the historic residence...
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