James Schlarmann

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

Coronavirus Update: CDC Strongly Urges People to Stop Licking Each Other’s Nostrils

WASHINGTON, D.C — The Centers for Disease Control have issued a strong advisory warning ...

Man: “You’re Voting for the Wrong Person You Fucking Idiot”

The following is an editorial opinion piece written by Dick Whistler, a local man ...

Trump Supporters Demand Football Hall of Fame Remove Socialist Barry Sanders

The Pro Football Hall of Fame released a statement regarding a “deluge of calls, ...

Man Kicking Himself for Missing the Perfect Opportunity to Kill Himself

VALLE DE INÚTIL, CALIFORNIA — Looking back on it now, Jake Masterson is pretty ...

Musk Invests $10 Million in New Water Pipe Company

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Last year, Elon Musk made headlines when he appeared ...

Trump Names David Avocado Wolfe Wind Cancer Czar

WASHINGTON. D.C. — President Donald Trump recently attacked wind-based energy production in part because ...

Man Starting to Think Supportive Friends Are Bad Judges of Human Potential

LAKE ÉTOILE DÉCLINANTE, ILLINOIS — Phillip Fillmore, a lifelong resident of his sleepy midwestern ...

Trump Pardons Lee Harvey Oswald

NARANJO CHINGADOR, CALIFORNIA — President Donald Trump has not been ashamed to use his ...

Boy Scouts of America Moves Headquarters to Vatican City

VATICAN CITY, THE VATICAN — The Boy Scouts of America is filing for bankruptcy ...