Tuesday, December 7, 2021

James Schlarmann

Gushers To Roll Out New Fruit Flavored Detergent Pods

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA -- General Mills, makers of the Gushers brand of fruit chews, announced in a conference call this week that it is preparing to roll out a new product to the marketplace. "We are extremely excited to bring you...

Nothing Out Of The Ordinary Happens After California Man Smokes Legal Weed

RAIN CANYON, CALIFORNIA -- Authorities in California are confirming that over the weekend a man partook of legal, recreational marijuana. California State authorities are also confirming that, in the words of the governor's spokeswoman, "nothing really happened," as a...

Woman Tends To Cuss A Lot When You Act Like A G##damned F##king S###headed C##k-Faced Tw#twaffle

Megan Hofer, 35 years old and from Santa Chingada, California, admits that she has a "potty mouth." According to Megan, however, her tendency to curse doesn't come out unbidden. Ms. Thompson says that in order to get her to...

Sex Toys “R” Us Announces Record Profits And Dozens Of Store Openings

This story was first published on Satirical Facts. BONE VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- Retail giant Sex Toys "R" Us has announced that they are not shutting down any stores, laying off any employees, or having any financial difficulties whatsoever. According to a...

New Restaurant Caters To Anti-Vaxxers With A Taste For Tide Pods

This story was first published on The Pastiche Post. SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- At Maison Des Gens Stupides, Chef Roy Ardi says his culinary inspiration is the "refined and the stupid." "We want the refined and the stupid to enjoy a...

Future SpaceX Projects Will Be Funded With Sales Of New Cologne: “Elon’s Musk”

This morning, billionaire entrepreneur and inventor Elon Musk watched another one of his SpaceX rockets blast off into the cosmos. Falcon 9 lifted off from its pad just before dawn in a spectacular display, carrying experimental global internet satellites....

Typing “Go Fuck Yourself” On Facebook Now Unleashes A Stream Of Cute Little Animated Dildos

SWILLYCORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- Social media giant Facebook is constantly trying to improve the experience its billions of users have every day on the biggest social media platform on the web. Each new tweak to its newsfeed algorithm, each...

Post Office Announces New “Whatever” Stamps For Customers Who Just Can’t Right Now

The United States Postal Service has announced that they are adding a new type of stamp to the postage available for purchase at all post offices in the country. The USPS already offers stamps that range in price from...

About Me

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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Biden Sells White House Naming Rights to Soros, Inc for $666 Trillion

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden signed an agreement today that authorizes a name change to the historic residence...
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