Thursday, June 1, 2023

Babies Insist That Babies Get What Babies Want Just Because Babies Want Them

WASHINGTON, D.C. — “WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” the shouts from the angry mob could be heard from miles around according to witness accounts. It was one of the most violent days in the nation’s capital, and it all started when the massive throng of upset babies was incited into a full-blown tantrum riot by their big baby president.

The babies were extremely upset that they weren’t going to get their way, and that Congress was going to make it official yesterday morning. President Baby has been extremely upset and colicky since finding out he was not going to get a second term, and that Barack Obama would always have a presidential record twice as big, and has been falsely claiming that the contest was stolen from, as crying babies are wont to do. The babies who stormed the capital and vandalized it specifically wanted to Congress to ignore the will of 81 million non-baby Americans and simply make President Baby the president for another term.

MORE: Biden Says He’ll Nominate Abrams for “Secretary of Whatever the Fuck She Wants”

“BUT WE WANTED IT! WE REALLY REALLY REALLY WANTED IT,” shouted one baby who was crying from both the tantrum she was throwing and the tear gas she was forced to inhale as law enforcement tried to get her and the rest of the babies out of the building. “WHY CAN WE NO HAS WHAT WE WANTS?!”

At one point, hundreds of the babies just started chanting, in unison, “BABIES GET WHAT BABIES WANT BECAUSE BABIES WANT THEM!”

On the Hill, Congressman Jim Jordan praised the babies this morning, despite their tantrum forcing him and his fellow members of congress to evacuate the building for secure locations.

“Obviously these babies are making a very vital and important point,” Jordan explained to reporters. “That point is if you fill your diaper with enough shit, and cry hard enough, you should get to destroy democracy because you’re afraid of a future where trans people don’t have to pretend they don’t exist, and being white doesn’t alone qualify you for anything.”

By 6pm last night, the babies were all forced into bed time by the mayor of the District Columbia and tensions died down enough for Joe Biden’s victory to be officially certified. He will replace President Baby on January 20th, 2021.

MORE: Cruz Will Insist That Congress Certify He Has an Ugly Wife and No Balls


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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