SHARIA VOODOO LABORATORY, SOROS BUNKER #1 — In a truly unforeseen turn of events, former President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) shocked the press, his country, and the entire world by endorsing Donald J. Trump’s re-election bid in next year’s election.
According to President Obama, it’s the dogmatic sycophancy of his political adversaries that pushed his political compass toward Trump. These candid comments and the eventual endorsement came after Obama’s monthly conference call with various members of the mainstream press, who are still obligated under the Alinsky Code they swore an oath to, to be at his beck and call. From deep within his Sharia Voodoo lab, Obama spoke with reporters.
“If I told people to keep breathing,” Obama explained, “Some folks would start wearing plastic bags over their head in protest of me. Those are the kinds of people who voted for Shitbrick McGee last time, and I’m pretty sure those are the same people who will do it again in 2020.”
President Obama said that it’s obvious that he has some “kind of reverse Jedi mind trick” effect on Trump supporters.
“If I told them to look both ways before crossing the street, they’d deliberately go play on the fucking freeway.” Obama said. “If I told them not to drink bleach, they’d chug a bottle of Clorox and make a viral video out of it in the cab of their truck. It seems like whatever the hell I say, they will want — and do — the opposite.”
Obama said that in the past he considered using a similar “reverse psychology” technique to get Republicans to sign-up for Obamacare by telling them not to.
The president also has, in the past, considered telling gun owners to buy a whole lot of guns, and make sure they keep them unattended and loaded, so that toddlers can find them and shoot their parents or themselves. Obama said the “challenge of governing those who don’t want to be governed and who literally do the opposite” of what he thinks is right, “even if it evades common sense” also drove him to endorse Trump.
“I figured maybe this was the best way to stop Trump; by telling Republicans to go ahead and vote for him,” Obama said with a smirk, adding, “it’s worth a damn shot. To the surprise of absolutely no one, the GOP itself can’t stop Trump because they made Trump.”
Obama said that watching Republicans try to corral The Donald is “like watching Victor Frankenstein try to capture his monster alive.” Mr. Obama was quick to point out that while he’s endorsing Trump now, things could change within the dynamics of the race that would make him change his endorsement.
“So go out and vote for either Trump or Cruz, America,” Obama warned, “just remember when you do, you’re doing what President Barack HUSSEIN Obama wants you to do. Think about that.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”