Thursday, March 30, 2023

Bezos Calls His First Spaceflight “One Giant Leap for Billionaire Assholes”

This morning, Amazon founder and former CEO Jeff Bezos became the second billionaire in two weeks to play Rocket Boy, hurtling himself, like Richard Branson just days before him, just out of Earth’s atmosphere. Bezos’ ride signals another milestone in the billionaire space race between himself, Branson, and Tesla CEO Elon Musk.

In all, it was a quick trip to the edge of space and back, and all the crew and passengers aboard landed safely and soundly after the mission was complete. Once Bezos and company were removed from the spacecraft by safety crews and given a thorough examination, a short press conference was held, and the tech titan gave his thoughts and feelings on his historic flight.


“Obviously this is a big accomplishment for the entire Blue Origin team, but I wanted to take a moment and thank someone without whom the mission would have never happened, and would have almost certainly failed,” Bezos began, “and that’s me. I’d like to thank me. Rich ol’ Jeffy Bay-Bay. Thank you, me. Why, you’re welcome me!”

After another two minutes of congratulating and thanking himself, Bezos agreed to take a couple of questions from reporters. The first question he got asked Bezos to put his accomplishment into perspective, to ascribe a historical perspective, and help the general public understand why his mission was so important.

“Well, in general, I’d say it was just another push forward for our species. Any time we reach the outer limits of our home planet, it’s a big accomplishment,” Bezos explained, “but if it involves billionaires, obviously, it’s just going to be that much more impressive and important. Ultimately I think this is a beginning of more and more entitled, spoiled douchebags spending millions to pretend they’re astronauts instead of opening up a couple dozen soup kitchens throughout the country. It was one giant leap for billionaire assholes.”

Upon his return, Bezos was informed that he had earned another six million dollars in interest from just one of his several offshore bank accounts, which he called “almost a bigger deal than the space rocket thingy.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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