Monday, June 14, 2021

Biden Says He’ll Nominate Abrams for “Secretary of Whatever the Fuck She Wants”

In just 14 days, Joe Biden will become the 46th President of the United States of America. When that happens, there can be no doubt it’s due, in no small part, to the efforts of Georgia’s Stacey Abrams. After Ms. Abrams highly-contested defeat when she ran against Brian Kemp for the governorship, she channelled whatever she was feeling about her loss into creating a voter registration movement in the Peach State that helped deliver some vital Electoral College votes to Biden, and this morning the state is poised to shred Mitch McConnell’s senate leadership powers after electing two Democrats in Senate runoffs held yesterday.

The apparent, imminent victories of Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff should give Biden just enough legislative headway to get his agenda items passed. So much of what could transpire in the next two to four years can transpire because of the work of Abrams and her team. That hard word has apparently paid off in quite a big way, as Biden made a surprising announcement this morning.

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“Listen up, Buster Brown, I have a very important announcement for you all,” Biden said as he walked his dogs around the block and was spotted by the press pool. “When I get sworn in, one of the first things I plan to do is nominate Stacey Abrams to be in my cabinet.”

Biden was asked which role Ms. Abrams would be nominated to fill, and he smiled ear to ear.

“Secretary of Whatever the Fuck She Wants,” Biden said without missing a beat. “She can be Secretary of Literally Any and Every Goddamn Thing She So Chooses. Okay, Squirt? This woman clearly knows how to get stuff done, and quite frankly no matter what we put her in charge of, we know she’ll knock it out of the park. So, Secretary of Whatever The Fuck She Wants it is, and I could not be happier to offer her the gig, Jack!”

As of the time of publication, Ms. Abrams had not responded to the new development. This story will be updated as necessary.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.