WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though MAGA nation might be reeling from the results, and the rest of the non-confederated states in the union might be sick of them taking place at all, there’s one man in the nation’s capitol who told reporters today that he has “absolutely, positively no worries about” Republican led so-called audits of last year’s presidential election.
That man is President Joe Biden.
“Look here, Jack, I know a lot of people have moved on from last year’s election – you know, the one where I beat the pants off the last guy? But if these Republicans want to keep having audits,” Biden told reporters as he strolled the White House grounds today, “then I say we let them.”
Biden explained his support for the audits — like the one conducted in Arizona by a far-right company called Cyber Ninjas — was multilayered.
“Well, for starters, Buster Brown, it’s a free country. People are free to squander their money on anything they want,” Biden explained. “If we don’t care when people blow their money on Coldplay CDs, I can’t say we should care that much more if people want to keep spending money to prove how badly that orange-tinted buffoon lost by in their state, either. I just think it’s important for us to let them have as long as it takes for Don Trump to accept reality.”
President Biden divulged that when the results of the Arizona audit showed he probably won by a larger margin of votes than initially thought, it felt like winning the state all over again.
“We even popped a little champagne and celebrated, like we did the night we won Arizona the first time,” Biden chuckled. “We have fun.”
Audits are expected to take place soon in Georgia, and curiously in Texas too, despite Trump having won that state.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.