WASHINGTON, D.C. — The permanent staff of the White House is a professional unit of workers who is quite used to a change in power resulting in a change of decor. When one president leaves and another enters, the new occupant is traditionally invited to make the cosmetic and decorative decisions they’d like to, in order to more comfortably handle the day to day executive functions of the richest and most powerful country in human history.
When President-elect Joe Biden moves into the White House next week, crews will have already begun work deconstructing the fully functional McDonald’s kitchen that his predecessor had installed. It’s no big secret that for the last four years, the man who played president in between fits of rage tweeting and all-night Adderall binges, was quite a big fan of fast food, McDonald’s in particular. However, many Americans might be surprised to find out that the previous president had a complete kitchen, capable of making any item from McDonald’s menu, installed in the safe and secure bunker in the White House.
“The man who lived here in the White House and played lots of golf at his own golf resorts while acting like he cared about being president was chemically addicted to a potent cocktail of McNugget dipping sauce and Big Mac special sauce,” White House Assistant Deputy Physician Dr. Kimberly Reed told reporters today. “As such, we felt at the time that his withdrawals put him in such a terrible mood that it could endanger the peace and stability of the planet, and we prescribed him a full-blown McDonald’s kitchen so he could have his nuggies and Big Mac whenever he pleased.”
President-elect Biden, though, decided fairly quickly in the transition period that the McDonald’s kitch was expendable and not necessary for him to do his job.
“Look here, Jack,” Biden said during a question and answer period after a brief press conference on the coronavirus vaccine this morning, “I’m sure cheeseburgers or chicken nuggets are great foods. I’m sure every red blooded American who isn’t on a meatless diet enjoys them, but it’s time for things to return to normal, and if the President of the United States wants a Happy Meal, he can go through the drive through like a regular American does, Buster Brown!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.