Thursday, June 1, 2023

Biden ‘Not Likely’ to Continue Presidential Tradition of Staring Straight Into an Eclipse

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Every four years, the United States of America holds a presidential election, and whoever wins the most votes in the Electoral College (not necessarily the most votes overall), becomes the next president on January 20th of the following year. This time around, despite some making their best efforts to set aside the Constitution’s form of self-governance in favor of continuing to keep an out of control, sundowning, proto-fascist reality-TV game show host in power, was no different. A new president was selected, and this morning Joe Biden took the oath of office to become the 46th President of the United States of America.

Whenever a new presidential administration takes over, the question becomes what, if anything, they’ll carry over from the previous one. For instance, when President Barack Obama took over, he decided to keep the Bush Era drone strike policy and enhance it. When President Eisenhower took power, he ended President Truman’s subscription to a jelly of the month club. Today, newly sworn-in President Joe Biden announced that there was one tradition of his predecessor’s that he has no plans to continue.

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“Well, I know the last guy who occupied this office did things his way, and I understand that often his way meant doing things the way people with only half a brain lobe would do,” President Biden told reporters as he walked up to the White House door for the first time in four years, “and while I don’t know that we’ll end every tradition of his, but it’s not likely that I’ll be staring directly into the sun any time soon.”

Biden indicated that he is “just following the science on staring right at the sun,” and not trying to make a divisive political statement about “the kinds of dipshits that would stare directly into it.”

“Look here, Buster Brown,” Biden clarified, “I’m just following what the science says, folks. If some credible study comes out that says it’s safe to look right at the sun like some kind of rubbernecking hooligan staring at a traffic accident, then maybe I’ll adjust my point of view. Until then, I don’t think we’ll be doing any eclipse viewing in my administration, Squirt.”

On the Hill, Sen. Ted Cruz blasted Biden’s decision.

“So this is the unity Joe Biden wants? Desecrate our previous president’s lovely tradition of looking right at the sun,” Cruz asked incredulously. “If a scientist told Joe not to jump off a bridge, either, you think he’d be a cuck and listen to that elitist doctor? What a long four years we’re in for, America, if we’re going to start listening to scientists again.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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