Thursday, June 8, 2023

Biden Hires New Moving Company to Assist Trump’s Exit from White House

The Biden transition team has hired “Yes We Can Move You!,” a newly formed moving company that specializes in packing and hauling the belongings of former world leaders to their new homes, to help expedite outgoing President Donald J. Trump’s exodus from the White House. The move was made earlier this week, Biden’s team announced, but they held off on formally publicizing it until some key details were worked out.

“Let me tell you something, Buster Brown,” Biden told reporters as he walked his dogs this morning, “my old, good friend Barack started a moving company that works with former heads of state, and helps them get all their stuff from the capital to wherever the hell it is they’re going to live once they leave office. It’s a non-profit and the proceeds all go to inner city kids, which I think is a great thing, Jack!”

MORE: Jordan and Gaetz Say Trump Won Because They ‘Wouldn’t Blow Just Any Old Loser’

The Constitution states that Donald Trump, having lost last month’s election, will lose all his presidential powers at 12:01pm on January 20th, 2021. Unfortunately for Trump, he has not yet been able to convince any court, or any legislature, to replace the vote counts with his emotional desire to keep committing multiple crimes while in office, shielded from accountability. Even when threatening to cross his arms and hold his breath, or when he casually threatened to “nuke any bastard state” that didn’t give him their Electoral College votes, President Trump has yet to halt — or even slow — the momentum carrying him out of power.

“Donald Trump, like George W. Bush before my two terms,” former President, now Mover Obama said during a virtual press conference while campaigning for the two Democratic candidates running for open Senate seats in Georgia, “is leaving Joe with one heck of a mess to clean up. That’s why Michelle and I started 50 new Yes We Can Move You! locations throughout this great country, so that we may start to employ hard working Americans, who just need a hand up, not a hand out!”

Obama announced that his D.C. branch will send a dozen large vans to the White House, quipping that he was “pretty sure [he] can remember the address still,” three days before Trump’s moving day.

“I know it’s gonna take at least a day and a half to get the gold plated Resolute Toilet yanked out and replaced with something we had cooked up at SorosCo,” Obama mused, “and you know we’ll have to watch Don Jr, Eric, and Ivanka closely…to make sure they’re not stripping all the copper wiring and brass fixtures off everything in the White House.”

ALSO: Least Popular President In History Still Struggling to Cope With Losing Popularity Contest

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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