DELAWARE — Incoming President-elect Joe Biden told reporters today that Americans should “expect to see a hell of a lot of changes” in their federal government starting January 20th. That’s when Biden takes over, officially, and he said he already has a shortlist of “mission critical items” he’ll be addressing right away.
“Well, I think the first thing we need to do is change our nuclear codes. Now,” Biden said, “I am not exactly sure who approved it, but they probably never should have been made Password123.”
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Biden guessed that the previous occupant of the White House, his predecessor, had asked for the codes necessary to authorize a nuclear strike be “simplified bigly.”
“I’m not saying anyone is to blame, or is at fault here, Jack, I’m just saying that when you’re dealing with and managing a toddler,” Biden explained, “you often find yourself in the situation where you have to dumb things down and simplify them. That’s probably what happened here. So, immediately upon my taking over of the presidential powers, officially, we’re going to re-secure the nuclear codes.”
Changing the country’s nuclear authorization codes won’t be the only change Biden makes right away, however. He’s already announced that the White House will no longer pay for a subscription to Ivanka Trump’s OnlyFans.
“This morning, the White House Office of Spending Shit sent an email to the administration staff of OnlyFans, requesting to have the monthly subscription for Ivanka Trump’s account to be canceled,” a Biden transition team email stated. “While we are confident the outgoing, lame duck, one-term, permanently impeached president believes that his First Lady-Daughter’s naked body is a sight to behold, President-elect Biden doesn’t think the American people should pay for her dad to see her naked after January 20th.” (Pastiche Post)
The Biden administration has also announced that it will be removing the fully-functional McDonald’s kitchen from the White House bunker as quickly as possible. When President Ronald Reagan moved into the White House after Jimmy Carter left, he famously ripped out all the solar panels that Carter had installed. There will likely be further changes made, the Biden said, but he hasn’t settled on anything concrete just yet.
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris will take their oaths of office on January 20th, 2021.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.