Thursday, May 13, 2021

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Biden: The Oval Office Desk Chair Still Smells Like KFC Farts

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has been in office for more than 100 days now, but there’s still one thing that hasn’t quite made the transition from his predecessor’s administration to his own — the way the chair behind the Resolute Desk smells.

“Let me tell you something, Sport. We’ve done, I think, just one fantastic job these first hundred days,” Biden told reporters in the Oval Office today. “We’ve gotten millions more doses of the COVID vaccine into Americans’ arms than our initial goal. We’ve gotten the American Rescue Plan passed and elevated millions of children out of poverty. I’d say, all in all, the things that have changed around here have definitely changed for the better, Jack!

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However, Biden said, there are some things that he has still yet get “changed over.”

“These things take time, and if anybody knows how much time things take, it’s a guy like who me who has watched so much of it pass in his long lifetime,” Biden quipped. “I’m so old, my ball hoist needed a secondary hoist just so it can keep my balls up better. Anyway, the thing is, stuff like the fact that my chair back here still smells like someone ate six crates of KFC and farted in it for a few weeks is a perfect example of things just needing to take their own time.”

Reporters on the White House beat have mentioned in several pieces since January 20th that the stench in the Oval Office that resided there for most of the preceding four years was still very present, and in fact has gotten worse. Biden said that when he first entered the room just after being sworn in when former President Trump lost the election, all his court cases about losing the election, and his coup attempt, that he was “blown back” by what he smelled.

“I have a pretty strong gag reflex, but let me tell you something, Sport, I nearly yacked all-the-hell-over the floor in this beautiful office,” Biden said. “I have no idea when this is going to get fixed, but I don’t think just spending a ton of money on a new chair is a good move when we can think outside the box.”

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President Biden then announced that next week he’d be using an exercise ball as a chair in the Oval Office so that the Department of Defense could try to fumigate his office chair.

“They’re gonna load up a MOAB with so much Febreeze, that chair’ll never know what hit it,” Biden said happily. “If that doesn’t get the job done, we may have no other alternative than to burn the sucker. But surely, I hope that it won’t come to that.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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