Wednesday, June 16, 2021

White House Staff Asks Biden if He Needs the Presidential High Chair

The incoming Biden administration has been contacted by White House staff and asked if the president-elect will be needing the presidential high chair installed back in December 2015.

“Dear President-elect Biden,” the letter, obtained by this outlet, opens, “as you know, there are just a few more days left until you move into the White House. As the president-elect, you are entitled to make various decisions about the decor, furnishings, and overall design aesthetic within this historic building. As such, the purpose of this letter is to ask what you’d like done with the official presidential high chair.”

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When Biden’s predecessor was elected, White House engineers realized how hard it would be for his First Lady to spoon feed him his meals, as there was no way to keep him from squirming around and playing with his phone while he ate. Their solution? Build a high chair suitable for a man baby in chief. Now that the outgoing president’s tenure is just about up, however, it’s time for Biden to decide whether to keep the high chair.

“First Lady Ivanka has said the chair came in quite handy over the last four years, particularly when the president was especially colicky, fussy, or upset about being quoted accurately in the press,” the White House staff letter informed Biden, “however, we understand that a fully-functioning adult may have no need for a high chair, and if you’d like, we can have it removed before you move in on January 20th.”

The Biden transition team has informed the White House they won’t be needing the high chair, and it can be donated to the garbage dump or outhouse maintenance facility chosen to be the site of his predecessor’s presidential library. At the same time, Biden has indicated there are some other changed made to the White House over the last four years that he will be reversing. Starting with removing the fully functioning McDonald’s kitchen installed late in 2017, Biden has asked engineers to make significant changes prior to his arrival later this month.

“At this time, please also be aware that incoming President Biden will have no need for the paintings of First Lady Ivanka on crushed velvet,” the Biden team said, “and if we can have the big wooden lowercase T’s that the president lights on fire taken off the White House lawn, that would be spectacular. Finally, can the rubber sheets be taken off the bed, and can the mirror be taken off the ceiling in the Lincoln Bedroom? Thanks so much for your hard work!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.