Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Tyrant Biden Commands Restaurant Employees to Wash Hands After Using the Bathroom

“What about my freedom to get sick and die, fam? WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT THAT, HUH?!” – Jethro Bohiggins

The duly elected tyrant President Joe Biden inched the United States of America closer to death by full-blown socialism today. Speaking to a group in support of Commiefornia Gover-dictator Gavin Newsome, Biden demanded that “simple health protocols” continue to be followed by food service workers.

“I don’t see this vaccination thing any differently than I see basic sanitation guidelines in restaurants, Bub,” Biden told the crowd. “And you know what? I don’t care who gets mad at me, I’m going to say something right now that I think needs to be said. If you work in a restaurant, and you take a dump or leak, you need to wash your damn hands before you go back to work, Jack! No exceptions!”


Surprising literally nobody on Earth, the reaction from the pro-patriotism/nationalism/white supremacy side of the political spectrum was swift, and angry. Freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene absolutely teed-up and went off on Biden while filming a TikiTok video which she had time to do because she serves on no congressional committees.

“Some Americans actually want to get a preventable disease, Mr. President. Maybe you should see if the Constitution requires McDonald’s employees to wash their hands before they make your Big Mac,” Greene howled. “That’s why I want you impeached, Kamala in Gitmo, and all Democrat voters forced to leave the country and go to Meh-hee-koh, or however Miss Squad, AO-Communist-Cortez says it!”

Greene was so worked up she farted and choked on the crack she was also smoking at the time. It was later discovered she was so ornery in part because she has heartworms. Greene has been prescribed a cocktail ivermectin and more crack to help her recuperate.

Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) assailed Biden as an “unnatural dictator” and defended the “rights of every Boogertarian American.”

“Look, Mein Fuhrer,” Cruz angrily sneered into the cameras he was speaking in front of this afternoon, “some of us enjoy the finer culinary delights entailed in ingesting nasal entrails. I’m a proud booger eater, Mr. President, and how dare you rob me of the occasional thrill of tasting a waiter’s nose or ass boogers in my cheeseburger? Americans will rue the day you were given power, sir.”


Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
Must Read


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Latest News

Biden Sells White House Naming Rights to Soros, Inc for $666 Trillion

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden signed an agreement today that authorizes a name change to the historic residence...

More Articles Like This