Friday, August 19, 2022

Biden Tells Engineers They Can Reinstall White House Ramps and Stairs Now

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has authorized White House engineers to reinstall ramps and stairways that the previous occupant was, according to documents published today, “too much of a chickenshit coward” to ascend or descend.

“As you know, when the former occupant of this building came in, one of the first changes he made was to have all the stairs closed and the ramps removed,” a letter from Biden to the White House engineering crew relays, “and instead would insist on someone from Secret Service either piggybacking him down from the second floor, or he’d use the fireman’s pole he had installed in his bedroom for First Lady Ivanka to twirl on for him, in order to come down to the Oval Office to pretend to work.”


Beginning next week, however, construction crews will open the White House stairs back up and reinstall any and all ramps former President Trump had taken out.

“Of course, even presidents who are impeached twice and get their asses kicked in the popular vote each time they run are legally entitled to make any changes they see fit to the White House grounds,” Biden’s letter admits. “However, now that a giant loser coward who is afraid to go down stairs and ramps doesn’t live here any longer, we can safely open the stairs again and put the ramps back in place.”

Experts wonder if this move wasn’t designed as some sort of political deterrent.

“It’s hard to imagine a giant weakling snowflake like Don Trump wanting to live in a house with stairs and ramps again,” one source on the Hill told us, “so maybe Biden’s thinking he can scare Trump away from the White House for good by putting the ramps and stairs back in. Maybe he just wants there to be comical video of Trump falling on his ass if he does win the presidency in 2024.”

In a written statement that he could post to any social media accounts, Trump blasted Biden’s stair and ramp directive, calling it “obvious and complete communism.”

“We’re talking AOC Squad Bob Mueller Angry Democrat level communism, folks,” Trump’s statement claimed. “Sleepy Toe-Teepy should remember that come Dectoberly 35th, 2021, I will be king again, and any changes he made to my palace will be quickly reversed.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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