Thursday, June 8, 2023

White House Engineers Will Downsize the Trump’s Big Red Button

Sister publication The Pastiche Post has reported this week that a major change is being undertaken at the White House this summer, and it could have wide-ranging, nuclear implications.

The government’s top engineers are working hard to retrofit the button that presidents have at their disposal to launch a nuclear strike. The button is reportedly being downsized in order to better suit the digits of President Donald J. Trump. (Pastiche Post)

The Post reports that the government’s top engineer briefed reporters on the need to change the size of the button.

Dr. Susan Wickstrom of the White House Engineering Corps told the media this morning, “the big red button will have to be converted into a tiny red button. As it is now, the standard size button we use is simply too big for smaller fingers to depress.”

The president happened to be fondling the button last week and was incensed when he looked down.

“This button is way too yooge! IVANKA GET IN HERE,” Trump shouted and his daughter appeared moments later, “Ivanka I want you to tell them to change the size of this button. It’s way too big. Was the last person who was president a giant?”

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Wickstrom says the nuclear launch button was intentionally designed to require an adult’s fingers to press in order to avoid any First Children accidentally pressing it.

“The Constitution states that a candidate must be at least 35 years old to hold the office of the presidency,” Wickstrom said, “but it doesn’t say anything about the president’s IQ needing to be north of 35, or whether his or her fingers need to be the size of a normal, average adult’s. So it’s probably a good thing, ultimately, that the president’s narcissism triggered him so hard about the button. It figures the only good thing he’d do would be on accident and because of his blind egomania.”

Wickstrom’s team are busy retrofitting other areas of the White House.

“President Nixon had a bowling installed when he was president,” Wickstrom said, “and Mr. Trump has requested we start making plans to put another one in. But this time all the lanes need bumpers and all the balls need to have the smallest holes possible drilled into them.”

There are also plans to install some new hi-tech gadgetry in the White House.

“We realized that not everyone who works in the White House understands everything Mr. Trump says,” Wickstrom told reporters, “so we’re going to install a new device that was just invented. It translates farts into Donald Trump speeches. The designer has said he can reverse the translation so that when Trump speaks, instead of hearing farts, you hear words in English.”

Another Story: The Klan Apologizes For Spelling Error In Pro-Trump Pamphlets

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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