Thursday, March 30, 2023

Bill Gates Offers to Buy and Delete Elon Musk

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON — Billionaire tech titan Bill Gates is reportedly close to making one of the biggest offers of his life to another another billionaire in his same industry, Elon Musk. According to several sources close to Mr. Gates, he is just about to pull the trigger on offer to buy all legal rights to Musk as a human entity as it pertains to the universe we are currently living in.

Reportedly, Gates’ plan is to buy and then quickly delete Musk altogether.

As sources describe, Gates was on a call with the board of directors of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, and the subject of Mr. Musk’s recent tweets on the subjects of coronavirus lockdowns came up. Musk apparently is not a big fan of continued stay at home orders issued by governors in the country, and recently tweeted, in all caps, “FREE AMERICA NOW.” The message seems to put him in the same company as conservative pundits and elected officials who are concerned that keeping the economy largely shut down to spare tens of thousands of lives is not a deal Americans should take.

Mr. Musk’s tweet, seen below.

“Hey, I like Elon for the most part, and I really try not to wade into these things at all,” Gates was overheard telling the board, “I just think that encouraging people to break quarantine and thumb their noses at actual medical experts because you clearly are afraid your revenues will be too heavily impacted by prolonged shutdowns of your factories is so dangerous it warrants our attention. I started thinking, if money is all Elon loves, then that’s what he should receive.”

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Gates reportedly floated the idea of buying and deleting Musk to the board to gauge interest in in his plan. Mr. Gates resigned from Microsoft to put more energy into the non-profit he started with his wife Melinda a few years ago. The Gates Foundation is now one of the largest non-governmental operations, and it counts mitigating and even preventing pandemics like COVID-19 among its mission goals. Over time, Gates has become somewhat of an expert on infectious diseases, as the Gates Foundation worked to eradicate diarrhea and a number of diseases in developing countries.

“I thought for a short time that maybe we should just buy Elon’s Twitter account and delete that instead,” Gates reportedly told board members. “However, upon further reflection, it seemed like that might open up the possibility of him spewing his anti-scientific opinions on another, different platform. So I think that, if we’re going to go this route, buying and deleting him completely would be the best bet.”

It’s unclear at this time just how Gates would go about “deleting” Mr. Musk. Surely, he couldn’t be proposing murdering the SpaceX founder after purchasing him, which in an of itself might run afoul of the 13th Amendment’s ending of slavery. Gates seemed to imply that he has a technological way to delete Musk.

“I’ve been keeping this project in my back pocket, not talking about it for quite some time now,” Gates reportedly told the foundation’s board. “But, basically, I had Microsoft develop a portal to another realm of our universe, and it might actually be to another universe, they tell me. Basically, if we go with my plan, I buy Elon, and then lure him over the portal with some money or weed or whatever, and push his ass in.”

Mr. Musk could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy trying to fit his entire dong in his mouth.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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