Friday, March 31, 2023

Billy Joel Says McConnell Was Inspiration for “Only the Good Die Young”

NEW YORK STATE OF MIND, NEW YORK — Singer/songwriter and piano man Billy Joel was speaking to reporters today outside his New York home. While discussing his long career in the music industry,  one of Joel’s songs in particular came up. Long time fans might be quite surprised to find out who the inspiration for “Only the Good Die Young” is.

“That one’s about Mitch McConnell, obviously,” Joel said with his trademark New Jersey accent on full display.

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Reporters asked Mr. Joel how McConnell could have possibly inspired the song when he wasn’t really in the public eye back when it was written.

“Oh, I didn’t mean he inspired me to write it. I mean every time I sing it now, I think of Mitch,” Joel said. “Because if there’s anyone who embodies the concept of only good people dying young, it’s Mitch. I imagine he’ll live to the ripe old age of a million or two, given how misanthropic and cartoonishly evil he is.”

Mr. Joel says that he’s recently considered revising some of the song’s iconic lyrics, in order to make the song explicitly about the Senate Majority Leader.

“I was thinking of changing them up a bit, yeah. Something like, ‘Come out McConnell, show us a sign, we’ll send campaign cash if you grow a spine,'” Joel explained, “but I didn’t know if everyone would catch all the updated references. So now, we just flash up a picture of Mitch behind me any time I’m out on the road and I play the song.”

When McConnell took a fall and broke his shoulder a couple weeks ago, Joel says he thought he might have to retire the song.

“I mean, normally I’d be bummed about retiring one of my biggest hits,” Joel announced, “but Mitch going belly-up would be a worthy cause to put it to rest for, don’t you think?”

There are other people who inspire Joel when he’s singing his classic hits, he says.

“I’ve come to start thinking of President Trump any time I sing, ‘She’s Always a Woman to Me’,” Joel said. “Except it becomes ‘She’s Only a Pussy for Me…to Grab.’ The syllables aren’t right so I don’t sing it out loud. But I think it. In my head, I think it.”

Senator McConnel’s office was unable to comment on this story, as he was outside balls deep in some coal.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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