WASHINGTON, D.C. — She voted against its formation, but freshman Qongresswoman Lauren Boebert of Colorado told reporters this morning that if the January 6th commission is going to meet, the CEO of Antifa “must be issued a sub-penis and forced to testify” before it.
“Like, um, check it out, okay guys? I don’t think it’s nice to ask all my friends to come and testify just because they did a coup attempt or whatever but not force the CEO of Antifa to do the same,” Boebert insisted during the Guano Caucus’ weekly presser. “Robert Antifa should not be above the law. If my friend Chad has to come testify for Pelosi’s interrogation squad, then Bobby Antifa must be issued a sub-penis and forced to testify!”
Rep. Boebert also demanded that George Soros and Barack Obama testify. She would like Hillary Clinton to testify as well, because Boebert thinks “there has to be some connection between January 6th and Benghazi,” but she’s willing to wait to see if the Republicans can retake the House next year, if needs be.
“It looked like it was a lot of Trump supporters out there doing the chicken coop or whatever, but that’s because it was a Democrat and Antifa operation,” Boebert said. “I believe that deep down in my heart. As a Republican, if I feel something is true, it’s fact. Although, if I feel something that’s true isn’t, that means it’s not fact. Irregardless, though, Bobby Antifa and George Soros need to explain what their part in Trump’s failed erection was!”
Boebert says she’ll do everything in her power to convince the entire Guano Caucus to block any subpoenas issued by the January 6th commission unless there is also one issued to either Antifa or Soros.
“I mean, right now that’s just me, Marge Greene, Louie Gohmert, Jim Jordan, and Matt Lolita Gaetz,” Boebert admitted, “but I’m sure we can increase our influence. I will not let all my friends from 8chan and Parler be bullied by the Democrats and their sham commission!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.