WASHINGTON, D.C. — Freshman Congressidiot Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) smells a rat, and she thinks the odor is emanating from the Fox News Christmas Tree’s charred remains.
Though a new tree was erected to much fanfare this weekend, conservative Americans still remain in an uproar over Fox News’ fake Christmas tree being set on fire. The alleged arsonist, a homeless man, has been released on bond, further agitating Fox News hosts and viewers alike. At a press conference this morning, Boebert lambasted New York City officials for “letting the worst criminal in the history of crime skate,” and then she accused former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton of orchestrating the fire.
“Why would KILLary — hilarious joke, I know — put out a hit on the Fox News tree? The answer is so simplistic, no wonder the mass of tangled gummy worms I call my brain could grasp it. The answer? Benghazi,” Boebert said smugly before adding, “Checkmark, libtards! BOOM!”
Boebert has heard from “reliable tinfoil-hatted dipshits and racists” that the Fox News Christmas tree had information about the emails the Clinton “took a bleach bit hammer or whatever to,” and was a threat to her. That threat had to be eliminated, but Clinton didn’t want to leave a trail back to her.
“So she hired that homeless to do it. The problem is, she didn’t figure on ol’ Bobo McG.E.D. cracking the case, but ironically all it took was one hit from Marjorie’s crack pipe for me to see the whole conspiracy clearly,” Boebert insisted.
When Don Trump is restored to power “by Christmas,” Boebert promised, he would address this crisis immediately. In the meantime, Boebert is working with Congressmare Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) on Articles of Impeachment against President Joe Biden for “knowing Hillary” and “being her friend.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.