Sunday, November 27, 2022

Boebert: “It Would Violate My Hippopotamus Rights to Tell You If I Got the Democrat Hoax Vaccine”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Elected Republicans spent most of 2020 defending, propping up, and cheerleading for Operation Warp Speed — the Trump Administration’s effort to partner with pharmaceutical giants to develop a vaccine for COVID-19 at record-breaking speed. Despite the initiative being widely held as a success, though, many congressional Republicans have outright refused to say whether they’ve gotten one of the three vaccines their party leader directed resources to help create, and curiously, some have even attempted to cast doubt on the safety and efficacy of the vaccines.

This afternoon, speaking to reporters after she announced her plans to join Rep. Greene’s efforts to impeach President Biden for “being a Democrat,” Boebert was asked about her vaccination status and became the latest House Republican to chastise the reporter for asking it. Boebert claimed that the reporter was “violating my rights” and she warned that when former, one-term, twice permanently impeached President Donald Trump is reinstated on August 13th, she’ll ask him to make the reporter “pay bigly” for their question.


“Well, first of off, I don’t have to tell you that. Just you asking that question is a Class 5 reverse-racist offense,” Boebert shouted at the reporter. “We have things called HIPPO rights in this country, jerk, and it would violate MY hippopotamus rights to tell you if I got the Democrat Hoax vaccine!”

There is no evidence that the Democratic Party, or any individual Democrat, was involved in the origin of COVID-19. However, when she was asked to clarify that remark, Boebert pretended to be having “tech-muh-cul difficultations” hearing the question, and moved on, without answering it.

“I think this just shows you how power hungry the Democrats are. They want us to get a vaccine just because it saves lives,” Boebert laughed, “and they want to send their jack-slippered army of volunteer grandmas around, door-to-freakin’-door to politely ask if you’ve gotten vaccinated, and answer any questions you might have about the vaccines! Can you believe it? My pro-life beliefs stop as soon as the mom squeezes the baby out of her hoo-ha, but Biden wants to form an Antifa Cancel Culture squad to literally force you to get a shot!”

Boebert ended the press conference by threatening to sue any reporter who violates he hippo rights again.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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