Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Boebert Thought Planning Trump’s Insurrection Just Meant ‘Giving Boners to Some Dirty MAGAs’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Responding to a new bombshell report in Rolling Stone that indicates she participated in a plot to overturn last year’s election, freshman Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) tried to bat away, deflect, and downplay the implications of the article.

“Yeah, so I helped out with Trump’s insurrection, what of it? Tell me what the big deal about it is, libtards,” Boebert shouted at reporters. “I got fifteen guns, and all fifteen say what I did as good, fair, legal, and quite frankly one of the most patriotic things ever done in the history of this great nation!”

OP-ED: “MY GENITALS ARE MICROSCOPIC AND IT’S ALL GEORGE SOROS’ FAULT!”

In a new article, Rolling Stone details how two figures who helped plan and coordinate “Stop the Steal” rallies including the one that preceded Trump’s failed coup attempt, were in steady contact with several prominent congressional Republicans and their staffs. Ms. Boebert was mentioned specifically.

Along with Greene, the conspiratorial pro-Trump Republican from Georgia who took office earlier this year, the pair both say the members who participated in these conversations or had top staffers join in included Rep. Paul Gosar (R-Ariz.), Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-Colo.), Rep. Mo Brooks (R-Ala.), Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-N.C.), Rep. Andy Biggs (R-Ariz.), and Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas).

“We would talk to Boebert’s team, Cawthorn’s team, Gosar’s team like back to back to back to back,” says the organizer.  (Rolling Stone)

“What’s the big deal about an insurrection anyway? Are you libtards really telling me that MAGAs don’t deserve to get boners too,” Boebert asked incredulously. “Because I would be out there, giving boners to some dirty MAGAs all over again if I was asked to by our Dear President. I’m sorry, but we live in America, libtards, and even dirty MAGA incels should be allowed and, yes, ENCOURAGED, to get hard-ons!”

Just then, an aide leaned in and whispered something into Boebert’s ear. Boebert looked at her aide, then nodded.

“Okay, so apparently I gave a bunch of gross losers handies for no real reason, but I’m also under federal investigation for trying to help Trump secure the throne,” Boebert said, “or whatever. I’m not a law-takin’-guy. I have to go now, excuse me.”

Boebert farted a cloud of stupidity, and rode it away from the press.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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