Thursday, March 30, 2023

Trumper Blames Gilroy, El Paso, and Dayton Shootings on AntiFa, Weakened Muslim Ban, and Border Wall Fight

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing YouTube star and singer/writer Jethro Bohiggins is an unwavering supporter of President Donald Trump. Mr. Bohiggins told his subscribers this morning that he’s “heartbroken, devastated, and outraged” at the news that a mass shooting took place in Dayton, Ohio, less than 24 hours after a horrific shooting in El Paso, Texas claimed at least 2o lives. Those two shootings came just a few days after a garlic festival in Gilroy, California was rocked by a mass shooting.

Bohiggins wasted no time getting down to the business of figuring out why the shootings have taken place in such rapid succession, and ultimately who is to blame most for them taking place.

“Don’t blame the gun lobby, who spends literally as much as they can afford to keep any gun laws from being passed,” Jethro told his audience today, “and don’t blame congress for not doing literally even the simplest thing to address gun violence. I’ll tell you who to blame — AntiFa, the courts for weakening the Muslim ban, and the fact that we don’t have our fully constructed border wall yet, fam. That’s who’s at fault.”

While Bohiggins says “no one can be entirely blamed” for the shootings except the shooter, he knows who should not be held accountable at all.

“You can’t hold the president accountable for this,” Bohiggins said, “because for starters, Mr. Trump don’t get held to account. Not now, not ever in his lifetime. It ain’t gonna happen. But the simply fact is it ain’t the fault of a certain president for constantly dehumanizing his critics and dissenters and calling them enemies of the people, y’all. That just seems like critical thinking, which is of course a libtarded plot to destroy America from within.”

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In his view, there are “three key things” to blame the recent mass shootings on.

“First of off, you gotta blame AntiFa. Because as our dear president told us recently, fam, they are to be considered the real terrorists, just like chemotherapy is the real cancer,” Bohiggins said. “AntiFa are definitely more to blame than the guy who uses the most power in the world to turn his opponents into targets, that’s for sure fam.”

The fact that President Trump’s travel ban from over a dozen Muslim majority countries was fought so hard and ultimately weakened by the courts should also be blamed for the shootings in Ohio and Texas, Jethro believes.

“Maybe these two boys, on paper, were good, clean, ammo hoarding, God fearing, WHITE CHRISTIAN patriots,” Bohiggins admitted, “but that don’t mean that they wasn’t still under the influence of some Barack Obama sharia voodoo hex we gotta investigate, fam. Think about it!”

Finally, the resistance that Trump has met in funding for his border wall, either from Mexico as promised or from Congress, is also directly to blame for the mass shootings this weekend, Bohiggins said. 

“I ask you this, fam, how many lives would have been saved if Trump had his border wall up by now? How many of these white men would have been stopped by his wall,” Jethro demanded to know. “Because, sure, you could say that the number would be technically zero, that absolutely none of the walls or Muslim bans would have prevented this, but then I’d get to call you a cucky libtard, so where does that leave us? With me being right, of course! Checkmate. Chemtrail. Libtard!”

Another Story: Weather Channel To Start Including Local Shooting Forecasts In U.S.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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