Boy Scouts of America Moves Headquarters to Vatican City

VATICAN CITY, THE VATICAN — The Boy Scouts of America is filing for bankruptcy amid a spate of lawsuits filed against it, stemming from multiple allegations of sexual misconduct of varying degrees against their leadership at all levels. As reported in The New York Times, the BSA is hoping to stave off complete collapse through a restructuring of its debt, which they hope will also delay the deluge of lawsuits its currently fighting. However, a bankruptcy filing may not be enough, some executives feared, and that’s why the Boy Scouts are also moving their headquarters in a move that they hope will “provide planning and strategy synergy” with an organization that has had its own troubles with thousands of allegations of sexual impropriety, as well.

“In the coming days and weeks, the BSA will pack up its things and move to the Vatican,” Boy Scouts chief media contact Skip Mallou told reporters at a press conference from the Vatican today. “I’ve come here as part of the team that will get some basic office organizing and initial networking with the leadership of the Catholic church done. Soon, the entire staff at our headquarters will be moved here.”

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Mallou explained that the Boy Scouts have an “uncannily similar” history with sexual abuse allegations and, like the Catholic Church, have a documented database of people who have been accused. The file of over 8,000 alleged victimizers was documented in the New York Times. 

Founded in 1910, the Boy Scouts have long maintained internal files at their headquarters in Texas detailing decades of allegations involving nearly 8,000 “perpetrators,” according to an expert hired by the organization. Lawyers have said in recent months that former scouts have come forward to identify hundreds of other abusers not included in those files. (NYT)

“Let’s face it, folks, the BSA and the Catholic Church have a whole lot in common,” Mallou further explained. “Both organizations have spent decades fighting LGBTQ equality while also fighting the publication of the thousands of accusations that our leadership was molesting children. Both organizations have pretended to stand up for traditional values, while basically standing up for traditional oppression of certain classes of people, which I know is like the first thing I said, but I felt like saying it another way, almost like someone is putting words in my mouth and reiterating things for both comedic effect and to drive home their larger, satirical point.”

But sexual abuse allegations aren’t all that the Vatican and the BSA will have in common, Mallou said. A “guidebook of rules and regulations” exists for both groups, and is treated like dogmatic content that cannot and should not be deviated from at any point in time. Both the BSA and the Catholic church ask their leaders to dress in a sort of uniform, Mallou said, and both already enjoy tax free status, meaning it should be easier for them to co-mingle their funds. It only makes sense, he argued, for the Vatican to take over some basic operational functions of the Boy Scouts.

“Frankly they’ve got the kind of experience in deflection, obfuscation, and victim blaming we wish he had, and desperately need,” Mallou said.

But Mallou also stated that the Vatican “will not have carte blanche” and that the BSA will still “enjoy quite a bit of leeway” in how it operates.

“People should just think of this as the merger of two successful non-profit, tax-free charities that just so happened to have participated in the oppression of gay people while also hiding credible allegations of sexual abuse in a very hypocritical and disgusting way,” Mallou said. “They’re just going to help us relocate scout masters and pack leaders who, you know, need to get a change of scenery, wink wink. Shit, I said the wink part out loud again huh?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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