Thursday, June 8, 2023

Palm Beach Burger King Cook ‘Wouldn’t Bet’ on Trump Winning in 2024

PALM BEACH, FLORIDUH — Juan Miguel Vincente, 32, has been working at the Burger King franchise just down the street from his home for the past three years. He says he’ll never forget the first time he met a rather famous regular patron of his restaurant.

“You never forget the first time you meet a president, much less one who would go onto such historic things like being impeached twice, and never winning the popular vote,” Vincente told our reporter. “But even if he wasn’t the president, his farts were so putrid and so distinctive, I’d never have forgotten meeting the orange, fat, farty fuck that day, know what I mean?”


Over the course of his presidency, Juan says he saw former President Donald Trump “many times” during each trip the alleged billionaire would take from the White House to his luxury resort, just blocks from the Burger King Mr. Vincente works at. Since losing the election and his attempted insurrection, Trump’s visits to BK have increased “quite a lot,” Miguel said.

“I used to think I saw him a lot when he was president, but now that he’s living right down the street? I see him six, maybe seven times a week, sometimes more than once a day,” Miguel told us. “We’re talking full Double Whopper combo meals with extra-large fries and a drink, every single time! I can’t even imagine the size and shape of his shits. But actually, now that I remember I’ve seen a picture of Stephen Miller, I have an idea.”

While it’s still more than three years away, speculation about the next presidential election has already begun. Trump is such a force in the GOP, that many pundits and observers have indicated their belief he’ll be the party’s nominee again. This assumption has some wondering what an angry, vengeful Trump’s second term would look like, but Miguel isn’t sure anyone should “spend that much time worrying” about a second term.

“The way he’s chucking Double Whoppers down his gullet, I don’t see how he’ll make it through the end of next year,” Vincente laughed. “I don’t make enough here to gamble, but if I did, I wouldn’t bet on Trump winning in 2024. Unless it’s a how much food can you stuff in your word hole competition, or who can shit the most Burger King shits into his Depends. Then, I guess he’d have a shot.”

Trump would be 79 years old during his third popular vote loss attempt, and the average lifespan of an American male is 79.5 years.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler, and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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