President Calls California ‘Unconstitutional,’ and Revokes Its Statehood

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration officially filed paperwork to revoke California’s EPA waiver that allows the state to set its own, most often stricter, emissions guidelines for cars sold there. It’s the latest in a series of attacks on the Golden State from the White House. It’s no big secret on the Hill that there isn’t much love lost between President Trump and the state, mostly because he lost so badly there in 2016, and current polling gives him almost zero hope of winning it next year.

Trump aide Tom Thompaulsen told reporters today that the move also “continues the president’s longstanding war on breathable air.”

“Lets face it,” Thompaulsen said on the White House lawn, “this president knows the way to make America great again is to destroy its natural resources. It’s to pummel Mother Earth and grab her by her nature pussy. And because we believe in the true blue American values of freedom and liberty, if you disagree with us, you can, should, and legally now HAVE TO leave. It’s another Executive Order he signed just now. Says if you’re a cuck, you have to go. So…”

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But Trump wasn’t done attacking California this week. The president just issued a new “presidential decree and proclamation,” aimed at knocking California down yet another peg. In fact, if Trump’s order sticks, there will only be 49 states in the union, and California will not be one of them.

“By the powers vestigial’d in me by the Constal-tootin’,” Trump announced this morning by shouting from inside the Oval Office, “I am hereby and forever rescinding California’s statehood. They are no longer a state. Okay? Bye-bye! See ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya! I win! AS ALWAYS. I. FRIGGIN’.WIN!”

President Trump declared unilaterally that the entire state of California is unconstitutional.

“Prove me wrong, haters. Find me where it says California in the Constitution,” Trump dared his detractors. “You can’t! You can’t, you hater cucks! I WIN! I AM TELLING YOU…I FRIGGIN’ WIN!”

Mr. Trump would later tell reporters that there are “many and numerous bigly reasons” kicking California, which has the fourth largest economy in the world, not just the country, out of the union.

“First of off, no more Ninth Circus Court of Cucky Appeals,” Trump said. “Meaning I get to say and do whatever I want without jerk-mouthed judges stupidly saying they’re a co-equal branch of government. I do not know why they keep saying that, because my government isn’t a tree, but fuck ’em. I win!”

The Civil War in America was fought in large part over the idea of whether or not states could legally exit the union, voluntarily or not. It’s been settled Constitutional case law for generations that states cannot leave the compact that binds them together. With a kingly wave, Trump dismissed reporters who asked him about this very legal precedent.

“Well, for starters, I never agreed to the treat of Appomattox,” Trump said. “So I’m not even sure the Civil War is settled yet. I’m pretty sure my base wants another crack at it, anyway. But secondly, and much more importantly — SHUT UP! I DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT. I’M NOT JUST PRESIDENT, I AM RICH! I GET TO DO WHAT I WANT DOUBLY AS MUCH BECAUSE OF THAT SO SCREW YOU. Thank you!”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, herself a representative of California, blasted the development, but stopped short of committing to doing anything about it.

“This is dangerous. This is bad. This shows a complete and total lack of fitness for this office,” Pelosi said very solemnly, “and I just wish there was something I, as the Speaker of the House, could do about it. I wish the Constitution didn’t require that I conduct at least six dozen public opinion polls before taking any kind of action. I wish all that, but wishing doesn’t make things true. However, let me reiterate, for the record, just how hard I’m wagging my finger, and exactly how loud the clucking of my tongue is.”

Pelosi clucked and wagged for a solid three minutes, and then left to go have a brunch date with a lobbyist.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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