Monday, June 14, 2021

Report: Candace Owens is Really Tomi Lahren in Blackface

In hindsight, sources close to the situation told us, it was bound to happen sooner later that the cat would get out of the bag, so to speak. Nevertheless, the fallout from the development could echo and reverberate throughout the right-wing media and social media sphere for years, maybe even decades, to come.

An exposé recently published in Vapid Morons Weekly,  a trade paper dedicated to jobs in the media designed for, as their masthead says, “the Elite Idiot, the Professional Moron, and the Bargain Basement Fuckwit,” handlers for commentators Tomi Lahren and Candace Owens admitted to a shocking revelation. It turns out, the woman everyone thought they knew as “Candace Owens,” was actually just Tomi Lahren in blackface makeup the whole time. Though neither woman has specifically addressed this bombshell report, some in the alt-right and conservative media space have begun to weigh-in.

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“First of all, nobody’s gonna cancel Candace or Tomi over this, okay? Blackface is protected speech, libs,” intellectual titan Dave Rubin said on his podcast today. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rub a cheese grater on my balls to own the libs, because the next thing you know, they’re gonna pass laws saying I can’t grate my nuts. And if we let them keep me from grating my nuts, the commies win, ladies and gentlemen.”

A mutual friend of Tomi’s and Candace’s agreed to be interviewed by this outlet, provided we do not divulge their identity. We were told that many people in conservative media have known about “some connection between” the pair — the white blonde female commentator and the African-American female commentator — for a long time. However, they might not have “fully grasped” just how deep that connection was.

“Tomi had to create the Candace character to give the racist shit she was saying cover, you know? Candace was the Secretary Ben Carson to Tomi’s President Trump,” our source indicated. “So she started doing the Candace character in blackface, but saying literaly the same shit as she’d say as Tomi. She knew her audience wouldn’t notice or care that they were saying literally the exact same thing.”

Our source says that even when people would ask about why they heard Lahren and Owens using the same rhetoric to defend systemic racism, people still might not be able to connect the dots.

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“Most people thought at most they just shared a brain,” we were told, “but the whole time, Tomi was doing a newer, fascist version of the whole Andy Kaufman/Tony Clifton dual persona thing.”

Our source says that writing for the Tomi/Candace characters at the same became extremely easy to do.

“At the end of the day, they both got famous for saying things that make conservatives okay with hearing and saying racist stuff,” our source explained. “It was apparent from the start how easy it was for Tomi to play two different women who both are biased against black people.”

Interestingly, just like Kaufman and his friend Bob Zmuda when they created the Tony Clifton character, Candace has also been played by other people.

“Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham took the Candace character out for a drive a few times,” our source admitted. “But they’re so racist they can’t even handle pretending to be black for a couple hours. So it’s just pretty much always been Tomi doing it.”

Dan Bongino, a disgraced Secret Service Agent and a man who hasn’t won any congressional seat he’s run for, took over for the late Rush Limbaugh on the radio, and he defended Lahren and Owens.

“Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” said Bongino, drool falling out of his big, dumb face, “ME LIKE DEM BOAF! ME OWN LIBS! ME OWN ALL LIBS! LEAVE CANDACE AND TOMI ALONE! BON-GEE SMASH!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.