Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Lifestyle

Qanon Shaman Left Waiting for Q Instructions After Being Sentenced

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a shocking turn of events, the Qanon Shaman was sentenced to three years in prison for his role in the January 6th attack on the US Capitol. However, our research has found that Q was unable...

Supreme Court To Carefully Consider Pros, Cons Of Forcing Teens to Have Fathers’ Rape Babies

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For the first time in decades, the United States Supreme Court will hear oral arguments this morning in a case that could have a transformative effect on abortion rights in America. Since 1973, every woman living in...

Santa Claus Will Require Proof of Vaccination Before Delivering Toys This Year

THE NORTH POLE -- Elected officials like Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) and Rep. Marjhorsey Taylor Greene (Q-GA) are seething, lashing out on social media at a figure many consider to be the living embodiment of the "Christmas Spirit." Despite the...

Hawley’s Wife: He’s the Epitome of Masculinity, Even When She Dreams of Fucking Other Men

Erin Hawley, wife of Senator and insurrectionist Josh Hawley (Q-MO), believes that her husband is the "walking, talking, living, and breathing epitome" of masculinity. Even when she's daydreaming about getting absolutely railed by someone, anyone, other than Josh Hawley. "Oh my...

No, I’m Not Dressed as Marjorie Taylor Greene for Halloween. I’m Just a Horse.

Look, you'll have to look far and wide for someone who loves Halloween more than I love it. Of all the holidays we celebrate here, Halloween is one of my most favorite! I love the opportunity to become someone...

Jesus Now Requires a Vaccine Passport to Enter Heaven

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- If you're going to die soon, and if when you do you expect to wind up in Heaven, you better bring your vaccination records with you. At a press conference held from outside the bounds...

Which Beloved Racist Mascot Are You Going to Literally Murder Next, Libs?

Editor's Note: The following op-ed was written by conservative commentator and former Republican state senator, Dustin Pewpson. It does not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of this outlet, its ownership, or staff. Well, great. You've done it, Libs. You've...

Man Says His Trump Flag Represents ‘Heritage, Not Hate’

CORRIGAN, GEORGIA -- In front of Michael Hill's house flies a massive flag, which he says is there to "show the entire neighborhood what real patriotism looks like."  It reads: "TRUMP WON!" Michael says that he will continue to fly the...

We Asked the American Flag If It Felt Offended By Gwen Berry’s Political Protest

This weekend, MAGA social media was incensed by the actions of a black athlete during a non-competitive segment of an athletic sporting event. This time, it was Olympic-qualifying hammer thrower Gwen Berry's protest during a podium ceremony she was...

God Believes in ‘Evolution, Not in Marjorie Greene’s Humanity’

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- In a new interview he did with Deities Magazine, Larry "God" Schumway may have just dropped quite the bombshell on Evangelical Christians. For many years, the religious right has downplayed or outright denied evolution, choosing...
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Biden Sells White House Naming Rights to Soros, Inc for $666 Trillion

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden signed an agreement today that authorizes a name change to the historic residence...
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