Man Kicking Himself for Missing the Perfect Opportunity to Kill Himself

VALLE DE INÚTIL, CALIFORNIA — Looking back on it now, Jake Masterson is pretty ...

Man Starting to Think Supportive Friends Are Bad Judges of Human Potential

LAKE ÉTOILE DÉCLINANTE, ILLINOIS — Phillip Fillmore, a lifelong resident of his sleepy midwestern ...

Middle-Aged Man Should Probably Be Better at Fucking By Now

LAGO DEL FLACIDO, CALIFORNIA — Skip Languido is a 42 year old financial planner ...

Santa Asks 58 Year Old If She Still Believes Trump is a Real President

THE NORTH POLE, EARTH — On Christmas night last year, President Trump raised eyebrows ...

Trump Signs Treaty With Obama, Officially Ending War on Christmas

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s a day that many in this country thought would never ...

White House Thanksgiving Seating Chart Places President At Kids’ Table

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though it’s not for another couple of weeks, preparations are underway ...

Kellyanne Conway Says Nats Fans Were Alternative Cheering Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senior mendacity adviser to the president, Kellyanne Conway, told reporters tonight ...